Favorite Comedy Quotes
We must become invisible, travel silently, for there are forces that would seek to destroy us.Horton
Holy crap on a shit sandwich!Drillbit Taylor
Harry: Yeah, well, I don't know. These places just don't do it for me.
Lloyd: What's the matter, Har? Some little filly break your heart?
Harry: No, it was a girl.
Don't you see the rest of the country looks upon New York like we're left-wing, communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers? I think of us that way sometimes and I live here.Alvy Singer
Matilda: When I was in 7th grade, I was... the fat kid in my class.
Derek Zoolander: Ew!
[upon waking up after the first night of training, next to a deer he killed with his teet] Oh no, not again!Barry Badrinath
I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final, you know. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. When I was thrown out, my mother, who was an emotionally high-strung woman, locked herself in the bathroom and took an overdose of Mah-Jongg tiles. I was depressed at that time. I was in analysis. I was suicidal as a matter of fact and would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian, and, if you kill yourself, they make you pay for the sessions you miss.Alvy Singer
Droz: Are we having a party tonight or what?
Cecilia: Well, there's no publicity, so there's no people; Gutter never showed up, so there's no beer; instruments just blew out, so there's no band; and I think Raji and Deege may be dead.
Droz: Wait a minute... no beer? Well, where the hell's Gutter?
Katy: Probably in a parking lot somewhere picking his nose.
Oh, no, not me. Not old Carol. The night is young and I'm not hittin' the rack till I get a little action.Carol
[Monkey slaps Larry on the head, Larry retaliates] Lawrence, who's evolved?Teddy Roosevelt
People always live forever when there is an annuity to be paid them.Fanny
Burton Mercer: [speaking into radio] Hi, this is car um... What number are we?
Officer Mount: Five-five.
Burton Mercer: [to radio] Car 55. Um... we're in a truck!