Favorite Comedy Quotes
Chuck: Yeah? And I'm sure I just heard him mutter some kind of anti-Semitic remark.
Dave Buznik: Are you Jewish?
Chuck: I could be, but no. Half Irish, half Italian, half Mexican.
Anita Miller: It's unfair that we can't listen to our music!
Elaine Miller: Honey, it's all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Anita Miller: Simon and Garfunkel is poetry!
Elaine Miller: Yes it's poetry. It's the poetry of drugs and promiscuous sex. Look at the picture on the cover, they're on pot.
Brodie: You know about this game show they got goin' on here? We need you guys to somehow ensure that it doesn't happen.
Jay: Is that it? We were gonna do that anyway.
Brodie: Really? Why?
Jay: What else are we gonna do?
We'll probably head over there right after we bury your mom.Mark
You got to be a stupid motherfucker to get fired on your day off.Smokey
Hey Phil, if we wanted to hit mailboxes we could let Ralph drive.Gus
That's my grandma's ring. She made it all the way through the holocaust with that thing. It's legit.Stu Price
If you're lying to me, I'll be back!Julius Benedict
Crash Davis: Last chance. Your place or mine?
Annie Savoy: Despite my rejection of most Judeo-Christian ethics, I am, within the framework of the baseball season, monogamous.
Brodie: You've probably had a slew of women since her, am I right?
Stan Lee: Oh, lots of women. Jagger and me, we had a running contest to see who had the most. In fact, last time I checked I was way ahead.
Brodie: DAMN that's hot!
Eli: Matthew, I tell you that you're going to regret this. What would JFK do? You know he'd tap that ass.
Matthew: Eli, you're never going to see her again.
Eli: Oh, you know what? Fine!
Eli: Fine! Goddammit Matt! I swear to God if you don't fuck her, I'll kill myself! Matt! Please! Please! Matt! Fuck her for me! For me!