If you were a casino game, you would have the best odds.

Kyle

Celebrities beat cancer all the time. Lance Armstrong, he keeps getting it.

Kyle

Adam's Mom Diane: I'm moving in.
Adam: No.
Adam's Mom Diane: I'm your mother, Adam.
Adam: Exactly.

Why can't you be happy for me, and then go home and talk about me behind my back like a normal person?

Lillian

Everyone keeps talking about my accent, but I'm from America!

Bucky Larson

I'm the son of two movie stars! That's like uhh, super duper, movie star!

Bucky Larson

Debbie Larson: Love that new haircut.
Bucky Larson: I get a lot of compliments on it. Thanks Mom!
Debbie Larson: Don't thank me, thank the bowl.

Porn Store Worker: We don't sell kiddie porn.
Bucky Larson: Oh, I'm allergic to cats.

Jimmy Fallon: You don't look like the average porn star.
Bucky Larson: Oh yeah, cause I'm wearing a sweater.

Hey, what's the word Big Bird?

Bucky Larson

Kumar: Those kids put something in here.
Harold: Is it drugs? Is it semen?
Kumar: Doesn't taste like semen...

I shot Santa Claus in the face. He's real, and I shot him in the face.

Harold

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