You were right about one thing you are a CPA, a certified public asshole!

Leo Bloom

Curtis: Well, the Sister was right. You boys could use a little churching up. Slide on down to the Triple Rock, and catch Rev. Cleophus. You boys listen to what he's got to say.
Jake: Curtis, I don't want to listen to no jive-ass preacher talking to me about Heaven and Hell.
Curtis: Jake, you get wise. You get to church.

[singing, narrating] His friends would say stop whining, they've had enough of that. His friends would say stop pining, there's other girls to look at. They've tried to set him up with Tiffany and Indigo... But there's something about Mary that they don't know.... Mary, there's just something about Mary.


Jessica (in Clive's body): Hildenburg, I'm sorry I humiliated you in front of the whole school and the visiting eighth graders, but you have no idea what it's like... to wake up every morning... and have to shave your chin.
Hildenburg: [crying] Yes, I do.

Carl Peterson: And this whole Lance Armstrong thing...
Dupree: You leave Lance out of this! He's doing more with one testicle than you and I could do with three!

I've never sucked a dick before. I bet it sucks dick!

Kumar Patel

Cab Driver: This shitty enough for ya?
Prince Akeem: Yes, this will be fine.

Did he actually refer to himself as "the talent"?


Santa: That's another thing... Buddy you should know that your father... he's on the naughty list.
Buddy: Nooooo!

Princess Vespa: I am Princess Vespa, daughter of Roland, King of the Druids.
Lone Starr: Oh great. That's all we needed. A Druish princess.
Barf: Funny, she doesn't look Druish.

Woman: [voiceover] How do you want me?
Man: Oh, that's good. Yeah. Just, uh... just get comfortable.
Woman: I'm a little nervous.
Man: Nah, you're doing great.

Heywood leads the league in most offensive categories, including nose hair. When this guy sneezes, he looks like a party favor.

Harry Doyle

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