Favorite Comedy Quotes
Mr. Bialystock, I'm afraid you've mistaken me for someone with a spine.Leo Bloom
So God is picking on you?Grace
Curtis: Well, the Sister was right. You boys could use a little churching up. Slide on down to the Triple Rock, and catch Rev. Cleophus. You boys listen to what he's got to say.
Jake: Curtis, I don't want to listen to no jive-ass preacher talking to me about Heaven and Hell.
Curtis: Jake, you get wise. You get to church.
Chon Wang: What happened?
Roy O'Bannon: Oh nothing I just killed him, how'd you do?
Lt. Commander Block: Every aerial photo and recon report indicate a defensive arsenal in the D, and perhaps negative C, categories. There's also some anti-aircraft squadrons. They can send up an ack-ack umbrella high enough to make any attack ineffective.
Admiral Benson: I don't have a clue what you're talkin' about, Phil. Not a fucking clue. I have a shell the size of a fist in my head. Pork Chop Hill. The only way I can make this goddamn toupee to stay on is by magnetizing the entire upper left quadrant of my skull, so you just go ahead and do what you do.
Aunt Voula: Nikki, how come you no come to curler my hairs this morning?
Nikki: Ma! I had to drop Dimos at work. And now, I gotta go open the travel agency, because, you know, some jag-off and his big-ass girlfriend are too busy.
You want to find an outlaw, hire an outlaw. You want to find a Dunkin' Donuts, call a cop.Leonard Smalls
Stairway to heaven. We shall all meet by and by.Sheriff Cooley
Sam: We're not gonna make out or anything, okay?
Andrew Largeman: What?
Sam: Oh, I'm sorry. I just totally ruined that moment, didn't I?
I'm a thirty year old waiter/gigolo. Where's the future in that?Roy
Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.Steve McCroskey
Kit: Yeah, everyone from work went to T.G.I. Fridays, but I don't really like that place. Or anyone that I work with.
Paula: Oh good, so then we can stay in and watch one of those drinking movies you like.
Kit: [sarcastically] Yeah!