Favorite Comedy Quotes
Mike: What the hell was that?
Steve: A chunk in the road or something.
Mike: I just chunked in my pants.
Mark: Don't put me in this position where I have to fuck my way out of a corner!
Leo: He'll do it too. I've seen him.
Police Liaison Officer: What the hell is that? What the hell is that?
Dale Denton: Oh, oh, it's a roach. It's a joint. I have anorexia. Honest I thought it was decriminalized.
Police Liaison Officer: Selling drugs to minors has *not* been decriminalized. I'm the police liaison officer with this school and I just saw a bunch of my kids comin' around the corner with their eyes as red as the devil's dick!
Charlotte York: I always knew she'd marry Big.
Samantha Jones: You thought that after the second break up?
Charlotte York: Yep.
Miranda Hobbes: After the fifteenth?
Carrie Bradshaw: Ha ha, we broke up a lot.
Andy: [hysterically] I should've let him look at my body! Don't I have a beautiful body? Don't I have a beautiful body?
Brandon Walsh: You've got a great body.
Andy: How many more years do I have before I get all fat? Before my hair falls out? Before I look like him?
Everybody: Hello. Do you know us? We're a Major League Baseball team.
Jake Taylor: But since we haven't won a pennant in over 30 years, nobody recognizes us - not even in our own home town.
Eddie Harris: That's why we carry the American Express card.
Rick Vaughn: No matter how far out of first we are, it's cool. You know, it keeps us from getting shut out at our favorite hotels and restaurant-type places.
Pedro Cerrano: So if you're looking for some Big-League clout, apply for that little green home-run hitter.
Roger Dorn: Look what it's done for US. People still DON'T recognize us but...
Lou Brown: We're contenders now.
Like sands of the hourglass, so are the days of our lives.Socrates [speaking Greek]
Billy Hoyle: You are so stupid. It would take your mother 1, no, 2 hours to watch 60 MINUTES.
Sidney Deane: Don't start that shit again.
[singing] I feel pretty ... oh, so pretty ... oh, so pretty and witty and... gay.Dave Buznik
Donkey: Man, you gotta warn somebody before you crack one like that. My mouth was open and everything.
Shrek: Donkey, if that was me, you'd be dead. That's brimstone... we must be getting close
Donkey: Yeah, right, brimstone, don't be talking about no brimstone. I know what I smelt and it wasn't no brimstone and it didn't come off no stone neither.
TV Sports Announcer: [announcing basketball game on TV] 3 seconds left. The shot is up...
TV Narrator: [Peyton switches channel] Welcome to the magical world of ponies!
When you get the blanket thing you can relax because everything you could ever want or be you already have and are.Bernard Jaffe