Favorite Comedy Quotes
Admiral Benson: Gentlemen, we've waited a long time to hear this. In exactly five hours and 17 minutes, we hit the enemy toast.
Lt. Commander Block: I think that's the enemy coast, sir.
Admiral Benson: Huh? Coast? That'll take a little more planning. But it doesn't matter. Our assignment is to knock out the nuclear-weapons plant at Falafel Heights. The plant goes on line in 12 hours and is heavily defended. Now, if you have trouble hitting your objective, you secondary targets are here and here: an accordion factory and a mime school.
A is for Awesome.Olive Penderghast
There is no remainder in the mathematics of infinity.Bernard Jaffe
Kirk Lazarus: [to Tugg Speedman] Huh! What do you mean "You People?"
Alpa Chino: [stares at Lazarus, and then gets angry] What do you mean "You People?"
Kirk Lazarus: What?
Dr. Gonzo: Can we make it? I wanna leave fast.
Raoul Duke: Okay, let's pay this bill, get up very slowly... I think it's gonna be a long walk.
People should love you. They really should, okay? And I want to deliver that for you. It's the least that I can do. You're a superhero. Kids should be running up to you, asking for your autograph, people should be cheering you on the streets...Ray Embrey
James Carter: Lee, let me introduce you to Carter's new theory of criminal investigation: follow the rich white man.
Lee: Follow the rich white man?
James Carter: Behind every big crime there's a rich white man waiting for his cut.
Sally: No, no, no, I drove him away. AND, I'm gonna be forty.
Harry: In eight years.
Sally: But it's there. It's just sitting there, like some big dead end. And it's not the same for men. Charlie Chaplin had kids when he was 73.
Harry: Yeah, but he was too old to pick them up.
Joe Reardon: He walked 18.
Larry: New league record!
Joe Reardon: Struck out 18.
Larry: Another new league record! In addition he hit the sportswriter, the public address announcer, the bull mascot twice...
Larry: Also new league records! But, Joe, this guy's got some serious shit.
Sugar: Been waiting long?
Junior: [gallantly] It's not how long you wait, it's who you're waiting for!
Bartleby Gaines: Glen since when have you been working at the kwik and stop?
Glen: since I got boned HARD by every college I applied to
Bartleby Gaines: why what happened?
Glen: some political crap I got a zero on my SAT's.
Sherman Schrader: you do know you get 600 points just for signing your name right?
Glen: ...aw DAMNIT!
Well, that's the thing about life, is the surprises, the little things that sneak up on you and grab hold of you.George