Favorite Comedy Quotes
Oh, no, we're not asking you to lose weight. That would be illegal. We just want you to be healthy, by eating less. So go home, weigh yourself on a scale, write than down. Then subtract 20 from that number. And weigh that. Yeah.Jill
General Aladeen: Sub Saharan, can you have 150 child warriors here by 5:00pm?
You two make a cute couple. But could you do this later? When you're not elbow deep in my vagina?Pregnant Woman
That's my boy!Donny
Jamie: Todd, your old man's here to see you!
Todd: You were basically the worst parent ever!
Donny: I was awesome!
Todd: You let me eat cake and lollipops for breakfast every day!
Donny: That's what you asked for!
Todd: You're supposed to say no!
Donny: What'd I do to his back?
Todd: Let me jog your memory...
Donny: The New Kids on the Block! The heads are all warped!
Todd: That's because I got it in third grade, my body grew!
Todd: You know, what I remember is ME having to drive YOU home from the beach that time, because you were too drunk!
Donny: Somebody else's dad would have had another guy drive home!
Todd: I was eight!
Donny: And you drove like a fucking champ too.
Donny: What the fuck is this?!
Spa worker: It's water infused with cucumber, rose petal and harvest sandalwood.
Donny: Tastes like fucking dick infused with balls.
I'm just a regular guy who did a wicked fucking awesome thing.Donny
Ever since you showed up, Todd's been acting like a different person!Jamie
[addressing the camera] There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly. The... the other important joke, for me, is one that's usually attributed to Groucho Marx; but, I think it appears originally in Freud's "Wit and Its Relation to the Unconscious," and it goes like this - I'm paraphrasing - um, "I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member." That's the key joke of my adult life, in terms of my relationships with women.Alvy Singer