I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt, too. Those stairs won't know which way they're going.


Prison life is structured - more'n some people care for.


Hey, little anal-dwelling butt monkey. Time for you to go home, little buddy.


Carter Duryea: [Carter and Alex meet in an elevator] 47. Are you going to Sports America offices?
Alex Foreman: Yeah.
Carter Duryea: You an intern or something?
Alex Foreman: Uh, no, my dad works there.
Carter Duryea: Oh.
Alex Foreman: Are you interning there?
Carter Duryea: No, I'm starting a job there today.
Alex Foreman: That's good. Congratulations.
Carter Duryea: Oh, thank you. I'm totally scared shitless. I have no idea what I'm doing. Don't tell anyone, okay?
Alex Foreman: Okay.

I never wash my pants. I like to keep the night on them.


Agent 99: Did you see anything while I was dancing?
Maxwell Smart: Just once, but I don't think you expected him to lift you that high.

Mary: Hey, you want to go upstairs and watch SportsCenter?
Ted: No, I think I'm just going to quit while I'm ahead.
Mary: You're not that far ahead, Ted.

A woman is said to be worth her weight in hens. And a man's wealth is measured by the size of his cock.


Michael Newman: My schmeckel got bigger now that I'm older, just so you guys know that.
Trudy: It couldn't have gotten any smaller.
Ted: [Laughing] It looked like a litttle Tic Tac.
Michael Newman: Yeah, come, here, I'll freshen your breath.

Wait up, girls; I got a salami I gotta hide still.

Carl Spackler

Gummi bears!


Satan: Is sex the only thing that matters to you?
Saddam Hussein: I love you.

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