Favorite Comedy Quotes
Rusty Griswold: Wow dad, we must have jumped that rail by like 50 yards.
Clark: Nothing to be proud of Russ...
Clark: [proudly] ... 50 yards...
Thank you, Topper. I can kill again! You've given me a reason to live.Harbinger
Jack Menken: Everyone's going to be writing about how honest you are and how straightforward. I just hope your honesty doesn't undercut your irreverence.
Tom Dobbs: Well I want to do a show about gay farmers and call it "Crop Circles", is that offensive?
Jack Menken: Not to me.
Ron Burgundy: You're not black or Asian.
GNN Reporter: I'm gay.
Champ Kind: Do you sleep in a coffin?
GNN Reporter: No, that’s vampires.
Brian Fantana: Are you allowed to be out in the sun?
GNN Reporter: Those are also vampires.
Brick Tamland: Are you a vampire?
Alvy Singer: It's mental masturbation!
Annie Hall: And you would know all about THAT, wouldn't you?
Alvy Singer: Hey, don't knock masturbation! It's sex with someone I love.
Roy O'Bannon: Ooooh... who's the pretty lady?
Chon Wang: That's my wife!
Roy O'Bannon: How long you been in this country?
Chon Wang: Four days.
Roy O'Bannon: Nice work.
General Aladeen: Sub Saharan, can you have 150 child warriors here by 5:00pm?
Rufus: So what do we do now?
Metatron: Well, I say we get drunk, because I'm all out of ideas.
Doug Madsen: Come on...
Woody Stevens: Fine, I will get naked with my gay friends. If any of them look at my junk, I will kill them!
I been workin' here at the D.Q. for about, um... eight months? Seven? I don't know, somethin' like that, it's fun. Just do the cones... make sundaes, make Blizzards, 'n... put stuff on 'em, 'n... see a lot of people come in, a lot of people come to the D.Q... burgers... ice cream... anything, you know? Cokes... just drive in and get a Coke, if you're thirsty.Libby Mae Brown
Look at these. I used to dream I'd be surrounded by exotic women's underwear forever and ever. Now I know they just save their best pairs for the nights they know they're going to sleep with somebody.Rob
Ethel: How long have you been a smoker?
Margot: 22 years.
Ethel: Well I think you should quit.