Favorite Comedy Quotes
Who the fuck are the Knutsens?The Dude
Tripp: Do you have real feelings?
Paula: Of course I have real feelings!
Tripp: For what?
Paula: For you! And believe me I did not want that because I had a good life before you. Well, not good... but... it was okay. Well... it was empty actually, but at least I was blissfully unaware of how miserable I was. Where as now... because of you... I am acutely aware of how completely and totally unhappy I am. Thank you for that.
The fatties were the first to go.Columbus
Harry: What's her last name? I'll look it up.
Lloyd: You know, I don't really recall. Starts with an S! Let's see. Swim? Swammi? Slippy? Slappy? Swenson? Swanson?
Harry: Maybe it's on the briefcase.
Lloyd: Oh, yeah! It's right here.
[He reads the manufacturer's name, which is Samsonite]
Lloyd: Samsonite! I was way off! I knew it started with an S, though.
Hedley Lamarr: Maybe I could turn this thing into my advantage... if I could find a sheriff who so offends the citizens of Rock Ridge that his very *appearance* would drive them out of town.
Hedley Lamarr: But where would I find such a man?
Hedley Lamarr: ... Why am I asking you?
[after being tortured by weed whacker] Who brings a weed wacker on a boat?Drug Lord's First Hostage
Evan Baxter: And I'm Evan Baxter and here's what's making news. A potential scandal with the Buffalo P.D. surfaced today when the mayor d-bow debit
Evan Baxter: [high pitched] D-bow d-bit d-bow
[unintelligible chicken squawking]
Evan Baxter: Bucka-bow, dee buck.
Director: Someone get him some water please.
Susan Ortega: Looks like my new co-anchor may need a glass of water.
Evan Baxter: [clears throat] Oh, there we go. Sorry about that. In other news the Prime Minister of Sweden visited Washington today and my tiny little nipples went to France.
Dr. Gonzo: Hey honkies. You guys wanna buy some heroin? Goddamnit, I'm serious. I want to sell you some pure fucking smack! This is the real stuff! I just got back from Vietnam. Ahahaha... scag! I wanna sell you some pure fucking smack... Pure... fuck...
Man in Car: Goddammit you bastards! Pull over! I'll kill you I'll kill you! Pull over, come on!
Did you ever have this kind of problem? Yeah - of course you did, you saucy minx.Prime Minister
Lillian: You remember my cousin Rita. Rita just bought a new house. It is gorgeous.
Rita: I wouldn't know, I only see the kitchen and the laundry room, and the ceiling in my bedroom.
Rita: [after pause] Sometimes the floor.
Can you point me to the crapper? I have to drop some timber.Joanne
You wanna talk some jive? I'll talk some jive. I'll talk some jive like you've never heard!Royal