Favorite Comedy Quotes
Reporter: Do you think these haircuts have come to stay?
Ringo: Well, this one has. You know, it's stuck on good and proper now.
Reporter: What do you call that collar?
Ringo: A collar.
Reporter: Do you often see your father?
Paul: No, actually, we're just good friends.
Grandfather: It's my considered opinion that you're a bunch of sissies.
John: You're just jealous.
Norm: Leave him alone, Lennon... or I'll tell them all the truth about you.
John: You wouldn't.
Norm: Oh, I would, though.
Shake: He's been gone awhile, hasn't he?
Norm: Who has?
Shake: Paul's grandfather.
Norm: Oh, he's down the uh...
Shake: Oh, down the uh...?
Norm: Yeah, down the uh...
Shake: Oh, we'll give him a couple minutes, then.
Real diamonds! They must be worth their weight in gold!
Sugar
Joe: [trying to get Jerry to face reality regarding his engagement to Osgood] Jerry, Jerry, will you take my advice? Forget about the whole thing, will ya? Just keep telling yourself: you're a boy, you're a boy.
Jerry: I'm a boy.
Joe: That's the boy.
Jerry: [coming around] I'm a boy. I'm a boy. I wish I were dead. I'm a boy. Boy, oh boy, am I a boy. Now, what am I gonna do about my engagement present?
Joe: What engagement present?
Jerry: Osgood gave me a bracelet.
Joe: [takes it and inspects the stones with Beinstock's glasses] Hey, these are real diamonds!
Jerry: Of course they're real! What do you think? My fiance is a bum?
Story of my life. I always get the fuzzy end of the lollipop.
Sugar
Jerry: Have I got things to tell you!
Joe: What happened?
Jerry: I'm engaged.
Joe: Congratulations. Who's the lucky girl?
Jerry: I am!
Jerry: Now you've done it! Now you have done it!
Joe: Done what?
Jerry: You tore off one of my chests!
Sugar: Water polo? Isn't that terribly dangerous?
Junior: I'll say. I had two ponies drowned under me.
Joe: What are you worried about? This job is going to last a long time.
Jerry: Well, suppose it doesn't?
Joe: Jerry, boy, why do you have to paint everything so black? Suppose you got hit by a truck. Suppose the stock market crashes. Suppose Mary Pickford divorces Douglas Fairbanks. Suppose the Dodgers leave Brooklyn!
Jerry: [Jerry notices the badge of an undercover agent at a nearby table] Joe...?
Joe: Suppose Lake Michigan overflows.
Jerry: Well, don't look now, but the whole town is underwater!
