Favorite Comedy Quotes
Story of my life. I always get the fuzzy end of the lollipop.Sugar
Jerry: Have I got things to tell you!
Joe: What happened?
Jerry: I'm engaged.
Joe: Congratulations. Who's the lucky girl?
Jerry: I am!
Jerry: Now you've done it! Now you have done it!
Joe: Done what?
Jerry: You tore off one of my chests!
Sugar: Water polo? Isn't that terribly dangerous?
Junior: I'll say. I had two ponies drowned under me.
Joe: What are you worried about? This job is going to last a long time.
Jerry: Well, suppose it doesn't?
Joe: Jerry, boy, why do you have to paint everything so black? Suppose you got hit by a truck. Suppose the stock market crashes. Suppose Mary Pickford divorces Douglas Fairbanks. Suppose the Dodgers leave Brooklyn!
Jerry: [Jerry notices the badge of an undercover agent at a nearby table] Joe...?
Joe: Suppose Lake Michigan overflows.
Jerry: Well, don't look now, but the whole town is underwater!
Sig Poliakoff: You're the wrong shape. Goodbye!
Joe: What are you looking for - hunchbacks or something?
Sig Poliakoff: It's not the backs that worry me.
Sweet Sue: Idiot broads! Here we are, all packed, ready to leave for Miami, and what happens? The saxophone runs off with a Bible salesman, and the bass fiddle gets herself pregnant! Beinstock, I ought to fire you!
Beinstock: Me? I'm the manager of the band, not the night watchman.
We're up the creek and you want to hock the paddle!Jerry
Osgood: You must be quite a girl.
Daphne: Wanna bet?
Mulligan: You better bring a check in case the joint is raided.
Waiter: Who's gonna raid a funeral?
Mulligan: Some people got no respect for the dead.
Mulligan: All right, Charlie; that the joint?
Toothpick Charlie: Yes, sir.
Mulligan: Who runs it?
Toothpick Charlie: I already told you.
Mulligan: Refresh my memory.
Toothpick Charlie: Spats Columbo.
Mulligan: That's very refreshing; what's the password?
Toothpick Charlie: "I've come to Grandma's funeral." Here's your admission card.
[he gives Mulligan a mourning armband]
Mulligan: Thanks, Charlie.
Toothpick Charlie: Now if you want a ringside table, just tell 'em that you're one of the pallbearers.
Mulligan: OK, Charlie.
Osgood: I am Osgood Fielding the third.
Daphne: I'm Cinderella the second.