Favorite Comedy Quotes
Daphne: [after meeting the all-girl band they'll be traveling with] How about that talent, huh? It's like falling into a tub of butter.
Joe: Watch it, Daphne!
Daphne: When I was a kid, Joe, I used to have a dream. I was locked up overnight in a pastry shop, and there was goodies all around. There was jelly rolls, and mocha eclairs, and sponge cake and Boston cream pie...
Joe: Look, Stoop...
Daphne: And cherry tart...
Joe: Stoop, listen to me! No butter, no pastry. We're on a diet!
Sugar: I come from this musical family. My mother is a piano teacher and my father was a conductor.
Joe: Where did he conduct?
Sugar: On the Baltimore and Ohio.
Osgood: You know, I've always been *fascinated* by show business.
Daphne: Is that so?
Osgood: Yes. As a matter of fact it's cost my family quite a bit of money.
Daphne: Oh, you invest in shows?
Osgood: Showgirls. I've been married seven or eight times.
Daphne: You're not sure?
Osgood: Mama is keeping score.
Joe: We won't breathe a word!
Spats Colombo: You won't breathe nothin' - not even air.
Sugar: Oh, Daphne, how can I ever repay you?
Jerry: Oh, I can think of a million things.
[Sugar gets into bed with him]
Jerry: And that's one of them!
Sugar: If my mother could only see me now.
Joe: I hope my mother never finds out.
Vic: Hey Deb, How's my soft baby?
Debbie Dunham: Come on, beat it, Vic. I'm not your baby.
Vic: Aw, come on honey. Look, so I never called you back. I've been, you know, busy.
Debbie Dunham: Yeah, three weeks? Besides, it only took me one night to realize if brains were dynamite you couldn't blow your nose.
Vic: Look who's talking. Hey, who's the wimp you're hanging out with now? Einstein?
Debbie Dunham: Tiger happens to be very intelligent, unlike you. I know everything your dirty little mind is thinking - it shows.
Terry Fields: Hey now, buddy, look. The lady obviously doesn't want to have...
Vic: Look, creep. You want a knuckle sandwich?
Terry Fields: Uh, no thanks. I'm waiting for a double Chucky Chuck.
Vic: Then keep your smart-ass mouth shut.
Vic: Hey, I'll call you some night Deb. Some night when I'm hard up.
Debbie Dunham: I won't be home.
Debbie Dunham: [lights a match and throws it at him as he makes an obscene gesture at her]
Debbie Dunham: Get out of here.
Terry Fields: You seem to know a lot of weird guys.
Peel out, I just love it when guys peel out.Debbie Dunham
Carol: [to Falfa] Your car is uglier than I am!
[both John and Falfa look at her oddly]
Carol: Uh... that didn't come out right.
Laurie Henderson: Come on.
Steve Bolander: Come on, what?
Laurie Henderson: Steven, please. Smile or something.
Steve Bolander: Quit pinching!
Laurie Henderson: You think I care if you go off? You think I'm gonna crack up or something? Boy, are you conceited!
Steve Bolander: I don't know why I ever asked you out!
[to Steve] I don't care if you leave this second!Laurie Henderson
[to Debbie] Hello. Buenos Noches. You sure you don't need a lift somewhere? Huh? Hey, you know John Milner? John Milner's a good friend of mine. Hey, did anybody ever tell you that you look just like Connie Stevens?Terry Fields