I touched a guy's balls once in Hebrew School.

Cal

[to Columbus] You're thinking about fucking Wichita. Well congratualations because for the past twenty-four hours, she's been fucking both of us.

Tallahassee

[to Ben and Pete at dinner] Hey, I have a really good idea. Why don't the two of you get into your time machine, go back in time and fuck each other.

Debbie

Lou [shouting from a rooftop to the '80s teenagers below]: "Hey, John Lennon gets shot!...
[To himself:] Wait, did that happen yet?"

The only way to beat my crazy was by doing something even crazier. Thank you. I love you. I knew it from the moment I saw you. I'm sorry it took me so long to catch up.

Pat

Dale Denton: Yeah but if you do bad stuff you're going to come back as something bad like a slug or an anal bead. But if you do something heroic then you'll come back as like an eagle or a dragon, or Jude Law. Now which would you rather be?
Red: The anal bead wouldn't be bad. I mean I guess it would depend on whose anal bead it was.
Dale Denton: It's *my* anal bead.

Let's go junior high on them.

Chuck Levine

Ed: See? You don't need Liz to have a good time.
Shaun: Oh, don't, man.
Ed: No! Go ahead, look at me. Can I just say one more thing? I'm not gonna say, you know, there's plenty more fish in the sea. I'm not going to say if you love her, let her go. And I'm not going to bombard you with clichÈs. But what I will say is this?
[chuckling]
Ed: It's not the end of the world.

Jedediah: Fire up the iron horse, boys.
Larry: Hey, blondie!
Jedediah: Names Jedadiah.
Larry: Jedadiah, stop the train, please!
Jedediah: No can do, crackerjack.
Larry: Whats going on here?
Jedediah: Somebodys got to pay.
Larry: Pay for what?
Jedediah: I don't know, just pay! Now stop whining and take it like a man!
Larry: Seriously, stop the train!
Jedediah: Alright, stop the train.
Larry: Thank you.
Jedediah: NOW FULL SPEED AHEAD AND RAM HIM! SPLIT HIS HEAD LIKE A WATERMELON!
Larry: [Train hits Larry] Ooh! Ow...
Jedediah: Oh, for crying out loud!

No, Farva, you are under arrest for being a complete and total fuckhead.

Mac

Janis: What's that smell?
Cady: Oh, um... Regina gave me some parfume
Janis: You smell like a baby prostitute
Cady: Cady: Thanks!

Danny Butterman: What about... 'Lethal Weapon'?
Nicholas Angel: No.
Danny Butterman: You've seen 'Die Hard', though?
Nicholas Angel: No.
Danny Butterman: 'Bad Boys II'?
Nicholas Angel: No.
Danny Butterman: You ain't seen 'Bad Boys II'?

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