Favorite Comedy Quotes
Elinor Dashwood: Would you have him treat her even worse than Willoughby has treated you?
Marianne: No. But nor would I have him marry someone he does not love.
Burger Shack Employee: You guys might have wanted to stay away from our special sauce tonight. Me and Pookie, we added a secret ingredient. I'll give you a hint. It's semen.
[bursts out laughing]
Harold: [Smirks] Semen.
Burger Shack Employee: Animal semen.
[Harold and Kumar scream and drive off as fast as possible]
Mae: Mom, why do you always wear the high tops?
Daphne Wilder: I just got these, what's wrong with these?
Maggie: There just kinda depressing.
Milly: Mom for your 60th birthday we'll buy you something beautiful, something that grandma Moses would not wear.
Danny: Man, why do you bow for that guy?
Augie Farks: Because he's the king, and he rules the entire realm.
Danny: Oh he rules the entire realm? Oh my bad.
Danny: Is that when he is or isn't whacking it to The Sims?
Margaret Lord: The course of true love...
Macaulay Connor: ...gathers no moss.
Bertram Pincus: I was dead and now they brought me back. I can..I can..
Frank Herlihy: The dead have a lot of unfinished business, which is why we're still here.
Matthew: Do you have the fever?
Klitz: No. Why? Do you?
Matthew: I don't know. Maybe.
[turns to Eli]
Matthew: How 'bout you?
Eli: I just gotta fuck something.
Howard Weinstein: [on the phone] Mr. Banks, this is Howard Weinstein. Franck's Executive Assistant. I... ave... your estimate for you.
George Banks: I can barely hear you!
Howard Weinstein: I'm in my car going through Water Canyon. Call you back?
George Banks: No, no, no. I want the estimate. How much? What's the damage?
Howard Weinstein: Well, everything from the flowers, to the honeymoon limo...
George Banks: Ok, everything. How much?
Howard Weinstein: [cutting out] - dred and - ifty a -ead.
George Banks: You're breaking up. It sounded like you said 150 ahead.
Howard Weinstein: No, no!
George Banks: Good. I was about to kill myself.
Howard Weinstein: It's 250 ahead.
Damn! We're in a tight spot!Ulysses Everett McGill
Dewey Finn: Now, what makes you mad more than anything in the world?
[sees Billy who has his hand raised]
Dewey Finn: Billy?
Dewey Finn: Billy, we've already told me off. Let's move on.
Billy: You're tacky and I hate you!
Dewey Finn: Okay, you see me after class
Grace: Oh, God.
Bruce: You can call me Bruce.
You ask me one more question and I'm beating the shit out of you.Andrew