Favorite Comedy Quotes
[to his friends on megaphone] Quick break, everybody. There's some nice Pakistani cold cuts there, courtesy of Mrs. Segal.Ben
E.B.: Is she seeing anyone?
Fred: No. She's single and she's looking for a rabbit.
"I don't like you takin' liberties with my dick."Nick [to Lou, regarding an oral sex bet]
Plus I'll probably have to give my parents less money. It'll kill my father. He's not gonna be able to get as good a seat in the synagogue. He'll be in the back, away from God, far from the action.Isaac Davis
Nathan Arizona Sr.: If a frog had wings, it wouldn't bump its ass a- hoppin'. Look, it is exactly 8:45 in the PM. I'll be down at that store in exactly 12 hours to kick me some butt. Or my name ain't Nathan Arizona!
Chunk: How's this?
Mikey: Oh, you idiot! You glued it on upside-down!
Brandon Walsh: If God made it that way, you'd all be pissing in your faces!
Chunk: Looks fine to me.
Woody: I have no choice, Buzz. This is my only chance.
Buzz Lightyear: To do what? Watch kids from behind glass and never be loved again? Some life.
Why don't you go suck George Simmons's cock?Leo
Rita: I always drink to world peace.
Phil: I'd like to drink to world peace.
Carl Showalter: Who the fuck are you? WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?
Wade Gustafson: I got your damn money; now where's my daughter?
Carl Showalter: I am through fucking around here. Drop that fucking briefcase!
Wade Gustafson: Where's my daughter?
Carl Showalter: Fuck you, man! Where's Jerry? I gave simple fucking instructions.
Wade Gustafson: Where's my damn daughter? No Jean, no money!
Carl Showalter: Drop that fucking money!
Wade Gustafson: No Jean, no money!
Carl Showalter: Is this a fucking joke here? [shoots Wade] Happy now, asshole? What's with you people? Ya fucking imbeciles!
Well, you sure are getting an early jump on your baby-proofing! Don't worry about a thing; it shouldn't be a problem for anyone over 7.Boo-Boo Buster
Mr. Hand: 'Mr. Hand, will I pass this class?' Gee, Mr. Spicoli, I don't know! You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to leave your words right up here for all my classes to enjoy, giving you full credit of course, Mr. Spicoli.
Jeff Spicoli: All right!