Favorite Comedy Quotes
Steven: I have this friend and he gave his cable guy $50 and then he got all the movie channels for free. You ever hear of anything like that?
Chip Douglas: [Walks slowly towards Steven] You mean illegal cable?
Steven: Um... Yeah.
Chip Douglas: Who told you that? What is his name? I want it.
Steven: Just forget it.
Chip Douglas: You're offering me a bribe. What you have just done is illegal and in this state, if convicted, you could be fined up to $5,000 or spend six months in a correction facility!
Steven: No, please, that was dumb. I was just making conversation. Forget it.
Chip Douglas: [Bursts out laughing] I'm just jerking your chain! Ha ha ha. The look on your face! Ha ha, you are too easy!
Chip Douglas: Wake up, little snoozy. Smell the smelling salts? Ha ha ha. I'll juice ya up.
I'll juice ya up.
Chip Douglas
Come on Stevie, time to leavey, It's the fun bus man!
Chip Douglas
Come back here, so that I may brain thee!
Chip Douglas
Wake up lil snoozy! Smell the smelling salts!
Chip Douglas
Chip Douglas: Here is a comment card. Please mail it in when I am done.
Steven Kovacs: Does this go to your boss?
Chip Douglas: No it goes to me, I'm sort of a perfectionis... perfectionis... t.
Chip Douglas: Call it one guy doing another guy a solid.
Steven Kovacs: That is so nice!
Chip Douglas: Well you're a nice guy! You'd be surprised how many customers treat me like snot, like I'm a goddamn plumber or somethin'.
What a place for an ending, huh? It's like that movie 'Goldeneye'!
Chip Douglas
I love this game!
The Cable Guy
Hey, Rick! I never made a slam dunk before. Thanks for the boost.
The Cable Guy
Brick Tamland: Your hair looks like wet popcorn.
Chani: I like the parts of your face that are covered with skin.
Champ Kind: I believe in two things: Chicken, and that the census is a way for the UN to make your children gay.
