Favorite Comedy Quotes
I will shoot you. And I know robot karate!Jerry
Marie: The point is, he just spent $120 on a new nightgown for his wife. I don't think he's ever gonna leave her.
Sally Albright: No one thinks he's ever gonna leave her.
Marie: You're right, you're right, I know you're right.
Mother of pearl!Maxwell Smart
[drunk, rapping] Back up in your ass with the resurrection!Samir
Marianne: Sir John, might I play your pianoforte?
Sir John Middleton: Yes, yes. Of course. We do not stand upon ceremony here.
Chas: Looks like you and Dad are back together again, huh.
Richie: He's your dad too, Chas.
Chas: No, he's not.
Richie: Yes, he is.
Chas: You really hate me, don't you?
Richie: No. I don't. I love you.
Chas: Well, I don't know what you think you're gonna get out of this, but believe me, whatever it is, it's not worth it.
Richie: Chas. I don't want to hurt you. I know what you and the boys have been through. You're my brother and I love you.
Chas: Stop saying that!
Justice: Hi, I'm Justice.
Jay: And I'm so fucking yours.
[during his play "Heaven and Hell"] Maybe We'll meet again someday... [holds up a peace sign] When the fighting stops.Max Fischer
Dewey Cox: I have a lot of pain in me.
Darlene: Where does all that pain come from, Dewey?
Dewey Cox: I cut my brother in half with a machete.
Darlene: [shocked] What?
Dewey Cox: Nothin', nothin'. Let's get some food, come on.
Metatron: However, if you should decide to stop being selfish and accept your responsibility, you won't be alone. You'll have support.
Bethany: What, more angels?
Metatron: Prophets. Two of them. The one who speaks - and he will, at great lengths, whether you want him to or not - will make mention of himself as a prophet. The other one... well, he's the quiet type, but he'll be helpful just the same.
You're not ashamed of me. You're really ashamed of yourself. Tell Lulu, easy on the chronic.Korean Mother
It’s that clown that’s been datin’ my sister, little man smurf.James