Favorite Comedy Quotes
Let us have pirates, clowns, and a happy ending, or we shall send you back to Stratford to your wife!Philip Henslowe
Frank here was staring at a white picket fence. Now he's single, he's broke, and has second degree burns all over his body. And I see a spark in his eye that I haven't seen in fifteen years.Beanie
Jay: So your in this for the pussy right?
Brent: No, I'm in this because I LOOOVE animals, stupid?
Jay: Even Sheep?
Brent: Of course. Sheep are beautiful creatures.
Jay: So would you fuck a sheep?
Brent: What is your damage, little boy. You have a sick and twisted world perspective.
Jay: No, you're misunderstaning me, Prince Valiant. I'm saying if you were a sheep, would you fuck a sheep, if you were another sheep?
Brent: Well, in that case, you bet your sweet ass I would.
Jay: Thought so.
Who presents this woman? This woman? But she's not a woman. She's just a kid. And she's leaving us. I realized at that moment that I was never going to come home again and see Annie at the top of the stairs. Never going to see her again at our breakfast table in her nightgown and socks. I suddenly realized what was happening. Annie was all grown up and was leaving us, and something inside began to hurt.George
Mr. Kroot: All right, all right, Bolander, break that up. You know the rules. You and your girlfriend want to do that, go someplace else, huh?
Steve Bolander: Hey, Kroot! Why don't you go kiss a duck?
Mr. Kroot: What did you say?
Steve Bolander: I said, go kiss a duck, marblehead.
Mr. Kroot: Okay, Bolander, you are suspended. Don't - don't you even come in on Monday. You're out, you're out!
Steve Bolander: Hey, hey, Kroot. I graduated last semester. Remember?
I would stay asleep my whole life, if I could dream myself into a company of players.Viola de Lesseps
Ernie: What kind of fish?
Max Fischer: Barracuda, stingrays, electric eels, trout, hammerheads, piranha, giant squid, octopi...
Herman Blume: Piranhas? Really?
Max Fischer: Yes, I'm talking to a guy in South America.
Lloyd: The first time I set eyes on Mary Swanson, I just got that old fashioned romantic feeling where I'd do anything to bone her.
Harry: That's a special feeling, Lloyd.
Girls don't pay - guys pay!Debbie Dunham
Judge B. Bennet Galloway: Mr. Jackson, six months ago you were caught shoplifting at a Stop 'N Shop, with a box full of Ding Dongs and a six pack of Banana Strawberry Boone's Farm.
LeeJohn: Uh, your honor, it was Goober Grape.
Judge B. Bennet Galloway: When the arresting officer searched you, he found a twenty dollar bill in your pocket. Why didn't you just pay for it?
LeeJohn: Because this dude named Bo-Peep was on my ass about twenty dollars and I...
It would be nice to think that since I was 14, times have changed. Relationships have become more sophisticated. Females less cruel. Skins thicker. Instincts more developed. But there seems to be an element of that afternoon in everything that's happened to me since. All my romantic stories are a scrambled version of that first one.Rob
Walter Stratford: [Bianca and Chastity are sneaking past Bianca's father] Shoulda used the window!
Bianca: Hi Daddy!
Walter Stratford: Hi... where're we going?
Bianca: Well, if you must know... a small study group of friends.
Walter Stratford: Otherwise known as an orgy?
Chastity: Mr. Stratford, it's just a party!
Walter Stratford: And hell is just a sauna.