Favorite Comedy Quotes
[as Daniel] My first day as a woman and I'm getting hot flashes.Mrs. Doubtfire
It's me! It's me, Alan, Mom and Dad! I'm home! I'm back!Alan Parrish
You treat a disease, you win, you lose. You treat a person, I guarantee you, you'll win, no matter what the outcome.Hunter Patch Adams
Captain Howard: Until then, until then, you are Mike Lowrey, you be him, that's what you are, you're him.
Marcus Burnett: But I-...
Captain Howard: You're him, I don't wanna hear it, you're him. And you, you're you, you be you, but not in front of her. You're him, you're you.
Store Clerk: Hey, freeze bitch!
Mike Lowrey: [as he points the gun her way, in a flash Mike and Marcus stop arguing and point their guns at his head] YOU freeze, bitch!
Store Clerk: Oh shit, I'm fucked.
Mike Lowrey: Now back up, put the gun down, and get me a pack of Tropical Fruit Bubblicious.
Marcus Burnett: And some Skittles.
Now that's how you supposed to drive! From now on that's how you drive!Mike Lowrey
Marcus Burnett: Man, that Budweiser. It felt like I had a million of 'em.
Marcus Burnett: Wassup, motherfucker?
[after the Fouchet thug tries to shoot the gun nothing happens and Marcus slams him into a urinal] Next time, learn to work the safety with your punk-ass.Marcus Burnett
[Shooting hoops and continuously missing] I was, like, gettin' 'em all in before you showed up.Captain Howard
Marcus Burnett: Look, now I ain't no Wesley Snipes! I just hang out with stupid ass friends, that drive stupid ass cars, that attract a lot of mother fuckin' attention!
Mike Lowrey: You know what, I need to jump over this car and smack you in your peasy ass head that's what I need to do.
Marcus Burnett: Well, you know what you're arguin' over a mother fuckin' french fry.
Mike Lowrey: It's not about the french fry, it's about your lack of respect for other people's property!
White Carjacker: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Black Carjacker: Shut the fuck up!
Marcus Burnett: [to Black Carjacker] Hold the fuck on!
Marcus Burnett: You want some bad enough, come get some!
Marcus Burnett: [suddenly throws coke in the Black Carjacker's face and kicks him in the crotch, while Mike punches the White Carjacker in the face]
Marcus Burnett: [Pointing gun at the Black Carjacker, who is on the ground] You like that shit? Wesley Snipes, Passenger 57! Now gimme a mother fuckin' handy wipe!
Mike Lowrey: [Pointing gun at the White Carjacker, who is on the ground] Now let's hear one of those jokes, bitch.
Mike Lowrey: Please, man. Married life is easy. You only got one woman to satisfy.
Marcus Burnett: Yo, man, we ain't the Cosbys.
[to Fletch] If you don't sit your lanky ass down right now, bottom-line, I will knock you the fuck out.Marcus Burnett