Favorite Comedy Quotes
I have to admit, you know, I did the fair bit of ... masturbating when I was a little younger. I used to call it stroking the salami, yeah, you know, pounding the old pud ... I never did it with baked goods, but you know your uncle Mort, he pets the one-eyed snake like 5-6 times a day.Jim's Dad
You don't do heavy metal in Dubly, you know.Jeanine Pettibone
Sally Albright: The first date back is always the toughest, Harry.
Harry Burns: You only had one date. How do you know it's not going to get worse?
Sally Albright: How much worse can it get than finishing dinner, having him reach over, pull a hair out of my head and start flossing with it at the table?
Harry Burns: We're talking dream date compared to my horror.
Wanda: To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people. I've known sheep who could outwit you. I've worn dresses with higher IQs, but you think you're an intellectual, don't you, ape?
Otto: Apes don't read philosophy.
Wanda: Yes they do, Otto, they just don't understand it.
But, by the time I figured this all out, it was too late; she moved on. And all I had to show for it was some foolish pride which then gave way to regret. She was the girl. I know that now. But, I pushed her away. So I've spent everyday since then chasing Amy. So to speak.Silent Bob
I'm not a homophobe, I'm a pulling out-my-penis in-front-of you-ophobe.Dave Buznik
Last I heard, my gym makes money. Yours doesn't. My gym's worth over $4 million. Your gym isn't worth four. I have shareholders. You haven't even got cup holders.White Goodman
Kumar: Those kids put something in here.
Harold: Is it drugs? Is it semen?
Kumar: Doesn't taste like semen...
Ray: What are they doing over there? They're filming something. They're filming midgets!
[Ray runs off and watches Jimmy being instructed by the director, who Jimmy flicks off as soon as he leaves]
Ken: Ray, come on. Let's go.
Ray: My ass let's go. They're filming midgets.
Jimmy: Meet your groomsmen!
Doug Harris: These guys can not be my groomsmen. It looks like the entire cast of Goonies grew up and became rapists!
I can see now I never really committed to Laura. I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments.Rob
Man cannot live on porn alone.Maya