Teddy Sanders: You make the store more approachable.
Mac Radner: Like, I'm more of an attainable goal?
Teddy Sanders: Yeah, you're like Relaxed Fit.

Jimmy: Let's make a baby!
Paula: Yes, that will solve all our problems.

Hey, dude, you really shouldn't drink and horse.

Edward

Edward: This is my first vagina.
Ruth: You've never seen one!
Edward: No I feel like I should have a piece of cake or something.
Edward: it's uhh it's it's that, right?
Ruth: Oh yeah, it's this, its like from here to here.
Edward: Oh.
Ruth: But this is just the outside, there's these folds.
Edward: Okay, i'm gonna close the bible now.

[after shooting someone] people die at the fair.

Gunman at Fair in Final Scene

Clinch: Where did you learn to shoot?
Albert: Your wife.
Edward: Oh, snap!

My worst fear is to OD on a recreational drug.

Albert

You know what else can kill you? Doctors!

Albert

Captain Dickson: We Jump Street, and we 'bout to jump in yo ass.
Jenko: Mmmm-hmmm.
Schmidt: Right in the crack.

Jenko: Oh, hey, look, there's Korean Jesus.
Captain Dickson: It's Vietnamese Jesus now, you racist motherfucker.

Jenko to bandit

Jenko

Schmidt: [after Mr. Walters mimicked him mockingly] I don't sound like that.
Mr. Walters: Eric! Close your eyes and tell me who's talking!
Eric Molson: [eyes closed] Ugh, Schmidt bein' a little bitch.

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