Favorite Comedy Quotes
Talk, you reconstructed welp of a whore!Interrogator
AS IF. I am only 16, and this is California, not Kentucky.Cher
Woody: Hey, w-wait, What happened? What happens next? Come on, let's see the next episode!
Stinky Pete the Prospector: That's it.
Stinky Pete the Prospector: The show was cancelled after that.
Woody: Wait, wait, wait. What about the gold mine and... and the cute little critters and the dynamite? That was a great show! I mean, why cancel it?
Stinky Pete the Prospector: Two words: Sput-nik. Once the astronauts went up, children only wanted to play with space toys.
Woody: I know how that feels.
Jane Spencer: Sam, would you play our song, just one more time?
Sam: Of course... DING DONG! The witch is dead! Which old witch? The wicked witch!
I been workin' here at the D.Q. for about, um... eight months? Seven? I don't know, somethin' like that, it's fun. Just do the cones... make sundaes, make Blizzards, 'n... put stuff on 'em, 'n... see a lot of people come in, a lot of people come to the D.Q... burgers... ice cream... anything, you know? Cokes... just drive in and get a Coke, if you're thirsty.Libby Mae Brown
Look at these. I used to dream I'd be surrounded by exotic women's underwear forever and ever. Now I know they just save their best pairs for the nights they know they're going to sleep with somebody.Rob
Ethel: How long have you been a smoker?
Margot: 22 years.
Ethel: Well I think you should quit.
Jay: So what's up? You got a friend for Silent Bob, or are you just gonna do us both? If so, I'm first. I hate sloppy seconds.
Bethany: You're a man of principle.
Elaine Miller: Keep the small bills on the outside and call me if anyone gets drunk.
William Miller: I will call you if anyone anywhere gets drunk.
Larry: [speaking to Civil War diorama figures] The North wins. Slavery is bad. But the South has the Allman brothers...
Larry: ... and... NASCAR.
I'm going crazy. I'm standing here solidly on my own two hands and going crazy.Tracy Lord
You seek a great fortune, you three who are now in chains. You will find a fortune, though it will not be the one you seek. But first... first you must travel a long and difficult road, a road fraught with peril. Mm-hmm. You shall see thangs, wonderful to tell. You shall see a... a cow... on the roof of a cotton house, ha. And, oh, so many startlements. I cannot tell you how long this road shall be, but fear not the obstacles in your path, for fate has vouchsafed your reward. Though the road may wind, yea, your hearts grow weary, still shall ye follow them, even unto your salvation.Blind Seer