Favorite Comedy Quotes
When life gives you lemons, just say 'Fuck the lemons,' and bail.Surfing Instructor
Pastor Clever: [at Smokey] Excuse me brother, what we call drugs at the 74th Street Baptist Church we call the sin of sin sins.
Smokey: Well round here, between Normandie and Western, we call this here a little twenty twen twen...
Craig Jones: Right...
Pastor Clever: Give me a little for my cataracts.
Smokey: You didn't put in on this man.
Shooter McGavin: Just stay out of my way or you'll pay, listen to what I say.
Happy Gilmore: Hey, why don't I just got and eat some hay. I can lay by the bay, make things out of clay, I just may, what'd ya say?
Let me just say that if God was a city planner he would not put a playground next to a sewage system!Darald
Little Rock: Who's Bill Murray?
Tallahassee: Alright, I've never hit a kid before. I mean that's like asking who Gandhi is.
Little Rock: Who's Gandhi?
Hedley Lamarr: Qualifications?
Applicant: Rape, murder, arson, and rape.
Hedley Lamarr: You said rape twice.
Applicant: I like rape.
We had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a saltshaker half-full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, laughers, screamers... Also, a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether, and two dozen amyls. Not that we needed all that for the trip, but once you get into locked a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can. The only thing that really worried me was the ether. There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of an ether binge, and I knew we'd get into that rotten stuff pretty soon.Raoul Duke
Cady: You're not stupid, Karen.
Karen: No, I am actually. I'm failing almost everything!
Cady: Well... there must be something you're good at.
Karen: I can stick my whole fist in my mouth! Wanna see?
Cady: No no no... Anything else?
Karen: Well... I'm kinda psychic. I have a fifth sense.
Cady: What do you mean?
Karen: It's like I have ESPN or something. My breasts can always tell when it's going to rain.
He's right on top of us. I wonder if he is using the same wind we are using.Inigo Montoya
I got mind control over Deebo. He be like "shut the f**k up." I be quiet. But when he leave, I be talking again.Smokey
Chas: I've had a rough year, dad.
Royal: I know you have, Chassie.
Inigo Montoya: Offer me money!
Count Rugen: Yes.
Inigo Montoya: Power too, promise me that!
Count Rugen: All that I have and more. Please.
Inigo Montoya: Offer me everything I ask for.
Count Rugen: Anything you want.
Inigo Montoya: I want my father back you son of a bitch.