Favorite Comedy Quotes
On November 1st, 1959, the population of New York City was 8,042,783. If you laid all these people end to end, figuring an average height of five feet six and a half inches, they would reach from Times Square to the outskirts of Karachi, Pakistan. I know facts like this because I work for an insurance company - Consolidated Life of New York. We're one of the top five companies in the country. Our home office has 31,259 employees, which is more than the entire population of uhh... Natchez, Mississippi. I work on the 19th floor. Ordinary Policy Department, Premium Accounting Division, Section W, desk number 861.C.C. Baxter
Andrew Clark: What do they do to you?
Allison Reynolds: They ignore me.
Andrew Clark: Yeah... yeah.
Doug Neidermeyer: How does it feel to be an independent, Schoenstein?
Boon: How does it feel to be an asshole, Neidermeyer?
So once he's done with the firstborn, Loki takes his friend Bartleby out for a post-slaughter drink. And over many rounds, they get into this discussion about whether or not murder in the name of God is okay. Now, Bartleby can run circles around Loki intellectually, not to mention that Loki's already half in the bag. And in the end, Bartleby convinces Loki to quit his position and take a lesser one that doesn't involve slaughter. So - very inebriated - Loki tells God he quits, throws down his fiery sword, and gives Him the finger. Which ruins it for the rest of us, because from that day forward, God decreed that all angels could no longer imbibe alcohol. Hence all the spitting.Metatron
I'm as mad at Flint as you are. In fact, the minute he steps out of that car, I'm gonna slap him in the face! I know he made the food, but that food was made to order, and now it's time for all of us to pay the bill.Earl Devereaux
Maxwell Smart: Oh gee, Maxie-man, I haven't heard that one before!
Maxwell Smart: I never have heard that before, actually.
Veronica Sawyer: Shit, Heather, I don't have anything against Martha Dunnstock.
Heather Chandler: You don't have anything for her either. Come on. It will be very. The note will give her shower-nozzle masturbation material for weeks.
Ellen Griswold: Clark, let's just skip the house of mud. I think Dodge City was enough fun for one day. Besides, Catherine and Eddie are expecting us.
Clark: It's living history Ellen. But if you'd rather see your cousins. Personally I'd rather see a pile of mud than Eddie.
Miles Raymond: Hey, what should I wear?
Jack: I don't know, something casual but nice. They think you're a writer.
It's not like I'm a lesbian or anything. I'm attracted to the person. It's just that all the people I've been attracted to happen to be girls.Tammy Metzler
[to his parol officer] I broke down, I went and smoked with the kid that lives across the street from me.Ned
I don't know why you going home to your wife. You got shot in the leg, your dick probably don't even work.Mike Lowrey