Favorite Comedy Quotes
Schmidt: [after Mr. Walters mimicked him mockingly] I don't sound like that.
Mr. Walters: Eric! Close your eyes and tell me who's talking!
Eric Molson: [eyes closed] Ugh, Schmidt bein' a little bitch.
Deputy Chief Hardy: Well I hoped never to see you again.
Schmidt: What's up, dawg?
Jenko: We back!
Deputy Chief Hardy: Ladies, nobody gave a s*** about the Jump Street reboot but you got lucky. So now this department has invested a lot of money to make sure Jump Street keeps going. The only problem is the Koreans bought the church back so we're moving you across the road to 22 Jump Street.
He's black! He's been through a lot!Schmidt
Jenko: We're like a power couple.
Schmidt: We're like Rihanna and Chris Brown. You're a good dancer but sometimes you're meaner than I'd like you to be.
Schmidt: We'll go around to classes and activities, ask about the drug, find out who the dealer is.
Jenko: Do we look older or does everyone in college look like babies?
Look at Dickson's office. It looks like a giant cube of ice.Schmidt
Jenko: What? Co-ed bathrooms!
Schmidt: Fuck! I'm not gonna take a shit the entire time we're here.
Capt. Dickson: I got a big ass raise to babysit you two again.
Jenko: We're going back to high school?
Capt. Dickson: No, you look like you about 50. You going to MC State. You two sons of bitches are going to college!
Schmidt: Hey, listen! There's a grenade in my shorts!
Jenko: Is that it?
Schmidt: That's my dick!
Jenko: What about that?
Schmidt: That's my dick also!!
Schmidt: Listen, Mr. Walters, I should apologize…
Mr. Walters: For shooting my penis off? Don't sweat it. They gave me a vagina. Hey, guess what. I'm Eric's bitch!
Eric: No, you're not!
Mr. Walters: Yes, I am! You own this ass.
It’s just drinking games and bonding, why is that so painful for you?Jenko
Capt. Dickson: Somebody's cooking up a new drug.
Jenko: Wipe? wipey? Wipey?
Capt. Dickson: No, you dumb motherfucker, WiFi
Schmidt: Play on, player.
Capt. Dickson: Why every time you speak I want to throw the fuck up?