I want my real life to be as fun as the one I made up!

Doug Harris

You put the weed in the coconut, and light that shit up.

Edmundo

Jimmy: Meet your groomsmen!
Doug Harris: These guys can not be my groomsmen. It looks like the entire cast of Goonies grew up and became rapists!

Rick Ford: You really think you're ready for the field? I once used defibrillators on myself. I put shards of glass in my fuckin' eye. I've jumped from a high-rise building using only a raincoat as a parachute and broke both legs upon landing; I still had to pretend I was in a fucking Cirque du Soleil show! I've swallowed enough microchips and shit them back out again to make a computer. This arm has been ripped off completely and re-attached with *this* fuckin' arm.
Susan Cooper: I don't know that that's possible... I mean medically...
Rick Ford: During the threat of an assassination attempt, I appeared convincingly in front of congress as Barack Obama.
Susan Cooper: In black-face? That's not appropriate.
Rick Ford: I watched the woman I love get tossed from a plane and hit by another plane mid-air. I drove a car off a freeway on top of a train while it was on fire. Not the car, *I* was on fire.
Susan Cooper: Jesus, you're intense.

I look like someone's homophobic aunt!

Susan Cooper

Rick Ford: We have to stop the sale of a nuclear bomb. They send in someone who looks like Santa Claus' fucking wife!
Susan Cooper: Uh, did you forget? I am undercover because you are not supposed to be here!
Rick Ford: Welln I make a habit out of doing things that people say I can't do!

Nothing kills me. I'm immune to 179 different types of poison. I know because I ingested them all at once when I was deep undercover in an underground poison-ingesting crime ring.

Rick Ford

Rick Ford: You're going to ruin this mission.
Susan Cooper: No, *you're* going to ruin this mission.
Rick Ford: No, you are.
Susan Cooper: No, you're going to!
Rick Ford: You... times infinity!

[rides a moped up a ramp] I AM SO BADASS!

Susan Cooper

Susan Cooper: [Wakes up next to Ford in bed] Aaaaah!
Rick Ford: Oh, stop screaming, you loved it.

Bradley Fine: Who's the finest of them all?
Susan Cooper: You are! Oh Bradley you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, hey Bradley!

Bradley Fine: Haha, close one! Nice drone work, Coop. I could kiss you!
Susan Cooper: Oh, haha, well I would accept that with an open mouth.

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