Harry Dunne: Whoa, Lloyd. Check out the hotties at 12 o'clock.
Lloyd Christmas: That's three hours away. Why can't I check 'em out now?

Harry Dunne: This is my associate, Dr. Christmas.
Dr. Lewis Meldman: Christmas, as in the holiday?
Lloyd Christmas: No, as in the tree.

Harry Dunne: Come on, Lloyd. You gotta get over her. Mary Samsonite was just a girl.
Harry Dunne: That's it, kid. Come on, come on, come on! Spit it out.
Lloyd Christmas: GOT YOU!
Harry Dunne: Wait a minute. Do you mean you have been faking for 20 years?
Lloyd Christmas: Mm-hmm.
Harry Dunne: And it was all for a gag?
Lloyd Christmas: Yep.
Harry Dunne: That's... awesome!

[Going through his extremely old mail left at his childhood home] Oh, look. An acceptance letter from Arizona State.

Harry Dunne

Harry Dunne: You're hot for my daughter!
Lloyd Christmas: What?
Harry Dunne: Am I right?
Lloyd Christmas: That's insane!

Lloyd Christmas: Why don't you roll me inside. We can get the nurse to get the catheter out of me.
Harry Dunne: We don't need nurses for that.
Lloyd Christmas: But don't you have to...

Harry Dunne: That's Butthole. I found him out in the alley.
Lloyd Christmas: Why did you name him Butthole?
Harry Dunne: 'Cause of this.
Lloyd Christmas: Good name. Totally fits.

You can cross that one off your bucket list.

Mrs. Stainer

Harry Dunne: It's a postcard from Fraida Felcher. 'Harry, I'm pregnant. Please call me.'
Lloyd Christmas: What do you think it means, Harry?

Lloyd Christmas: Who's the astronaut?
Harry Dunne: Oh, that's my roommate.

Dr. Pichlow: I know she'll appreciate all you've gone through to find her. Let's call her.
Harry Dunne: It's ringing!
Lloyd Christmas: [Answering a pink phone] Whoever this is, we're in the middle of something very important here.
Harry Dunne: This is your dad.
Lloyd Christmas: What? Hey guys, I know this is weird timing but I gotta take this. It's my dead dad.
Harry Dunne: She's got me on hold.

Lloyd Christmas: You guys wanna play he who smelt it?
Travis: What's that?
Harry Dunne: It's complicated so pay attention.
Lloyd Christmas: We put the windows up, first one who smells the fart gets a point.
Harry Dunne: If you say who dealt it, double points!
Travis: I don’t want to play that!
Harry Dunne: Ok fine. Lloyd and I will play one on one.
Lloyd Christmas: Ya!
Travis: How can you play one on one? If you smell a fart and you didn't do it, isn't it obvious the other guy did?
Lloyd Christmas: I thought you said you never played before?

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