Favorite Comedy Quotes
Phil Wenneck: You're not really wearing that are you?
Alan Garner: Wearing what?
Phil Wenneck: The man purse. You actually gonna wear that or are you just fuckin' with me?
Alan Garner: It's where I keep all my things. Get a lot of compliments on this. Plus it's not a purse, it's called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.
Phil Wenneck: So does Joy Behar.
Cady: You're not stupid, Karen.
Karen: No, I am actually. I'm failing almost everything!
Cady: Well... there must be something you're good at.
Karen: I can stick my whole fist in my mouth! Wanna see?
Cady: No no no... Anything else?
Karen: Well... I'm kinda psychic. I have a fifth sense.
Cady: What do you mean?
Karen: It's like I have ESPN or something. My breasts can always tell when it's going to rain.
Arrested for what, baby? For being awesome?Lupus Grobowski
Chubbs: Back in 1965, Sports Illustrated said I was going to be the next Arnold Palmer.
Happy Gilmore: Yeah? What happened?
Chubbs: They wouldn't let me play on the Pro Tour anymore.
Happy Gilmore: Ah, I'm sorry. Because you're black?
Chubbs: Hell no! Damned alligator BIT my hand off!
[Shows Happy his wooden hand]
Happy Gilmore: OH MY GOD!
Chubbs: Yeah. tournament down in Florida. I hooked my ball in the rough down by the lake. Damned alligator just POPPED up, cut me down on my prime. He got me, but I tore one of the bastard's eyes out though. Look at that.
[Shows Happy a small glass jar with an eyeball in it]
Happy Gilmore: You're pretty sick, Chubbs.
Ferris Bueller: Cameron, what have you seen today?
Cameron: Nothing good.
Ferris Bueller: Nothing - wha - what do you mean nothing good? We've seen everything good. We've seen the whole city! We went to a museum, we saw priceless works of art! We ate pancreas!
Damnit, Vakidis! Learn fucking English!Jackie Moon
Quentin Hapsburg: Do you gamble?
Lt. Frank Drebin: Every time I order out.
Fuck, I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger!Phil Wenneck
Jeremy Grey: Gloria, I've been doing a lot of soul searching recently, and I think I'm ready to take this relationship, our relationship to the next level.
Gloria Cleary: Jeremy, I am so ready to take it to the next level.
Jeremy Grey: Really?
Gloria Cleary: Yeah. Do you want to watch me with another girl? How about those Brazilian twins we met at the ball game?
Jeremy Grey: I was thinking more along the lines of an engagement.
Gloria Cleary: Oh Jeremy, I do!
Jeremy Grey: I love you.
Gloria Cleary: I love you.
Ken: Harry, let's face it. You've always been a cunt. The only thing that's gonna change, is that you're gonna be an even bigger cunt. Maybe have some more cunt kids.
Harry: You fuckin' retract that bit about my cunt fucking kids!
Ken: I retract that bit about your cunt fucking kids.
Harry: Insulting my fucking kids? That's goin' overboard man!
Ken: I retracted it, didn't I?
Dr. Gonzo: Hey honkies. You guys wanna buy some heroin? Goddamnit, I'm serious. I want to sell you some pure fucking smack! This is the real stuff! I just got back from Vietnam. Ahahaha... scag! I wanna sell you some pure fucking smack... Pure... fuck...
Man in Car: Goddammit you bastards! Pull over! I'll kill you I'll kill you! Pull over, come on!
Mac: How's your shooting, Thorny?
Thorny: Good. I've been dead on all morning.
Mac: What about that little guy?
[points to bullet hole in shooting target's neck]
Thorny: Who, that little guy? I wouldn't worry about that little guy.