Favorite Comedy Quotes
Jack: [In Elevator] Did you hear that?
Nick Naylor: [pause] No.
Nick Naylor: Now what we need is a smoking role model. A real winner.
Jeff Megall: Indiana Jones meets Jerry Maguire.
Nick Naylor: Right, on two packs a day.
Please don't ruin my childhoodJoey Naylor
Heather Holloway: Heather Holloway.
Nick Naylor: Nick Naylor. Big Tobacco.
Heather Holloway: [holds up tape recorder] Is this kosher?
Nick Naylor: Only if I can call you Heather.
Heather Holloway: By all means. So, Mr. Naylor ...
Nick Naylor: [interrupting] Nick.
Heather Holloway: Nick. Let's start with ...
Nick Naylor: '82 Margaux.
Heather Holloway: Okay. Is it good?
Nick Naylor: "Good"? It'll make you believe in God.
Karen: Why are you dressed so scary?
Cady: It's Halloween.
Regina said she'll talk to Aaron. And now she is. How can Janis hate her? She's such a good... SLUT!Cady
Do you know what people say about you? They say you are homeschooled jungle freak who's a less hot version of me. So don't try to act all innocent. You can take that fake apology and shove it straight up your hair little a-Regina
[gets hit by bus]
Sheryl: What did he say?
Richard: I'll tell you when I regain consciousness.
Olive: Do you eat ice cream?
Miss California: Yes. My favorite is Cherry Chocolate Garcia... except technically I think it's a frozen yogurt.
Frank: I take it you didn't like it at Sunset Manor?
Grandpa: Are you kidding me? It was a fucking paradise. They got pool... They got golf... Now I'm stuck with Mr. Happy here, sleeping on a fucking sofa. Look, I know you are a homo and all, but maybe you can appreciate this. You go to one of those places, there's four women for every guy. Can you imagine what that's like?
Frank: You must have been very busy.
Grandpa: Ho oh. I had second degree burns on my johnson, I kid you not.
Grandpa: Forget about it.
Sheryl: She can't go. They've got some equestrian thing.
Richard: Oh, they do that horse shit every weekend.
Frank: Can I get you anything from inside?
Grandpa: Yeah, get me some porn. And get some real nasty stuff, none of that airbrushed shit. And here, get something for yourself. Get yourself a fag rag.