Favorite Comedy Quotes
You know, our bodies are capable of doing some very funny things when they're consumed by stress and anxiety. Uh, I found my ex-best friend's cufflinks in my wife's purse. I couldn't get an erection for a year and a half. For example.Dr. Cohen
Andrew Largeman: Dude, we've been patient all day but it's my last day in town and you haven't told us what we're doing. I mean, if you had told me we'd be going on a six-hour scavenger hunt for blow I would've passed.
Mark: Come on, please. If I was going to get you coke we would've gone to the fucking high school football practice. We would've been rolling five hours ago.
Sam: He's my knight in shining armor.
Andrew Largeman: Don't talk about knights around Mark, it's a sore subject.
Mark: I'm gonna kill that motherfucker!
Andrew Largeman: Pun intended?
Andrew Largeman: You're a COP, Kenny?
Kenny: Yeah, I know!
Andrew Largeman: ...Why?
Kenny: I don't know, man. Had nothing better to do.
Plus, the benefits are great, you know? If I get shot on the job, I'm like... *MMM*... rich!Kenny
Sam: Tickle is my favorite thing in the whole world. It's all that's left of Nanny, my blanket.
Andrew Largeman: Tickle is all that remains. Was there a hurricane or something?
Sam: Shut up!
Sam: We're not gonna make out or anything, okay?
Andrew Largeman: What?
Sam: Oh, I'm sorry. I just totally ruined that moment, didn't I?
Andrew Largeman: Can you imagine being the guy whose job it is to argue for the right to build a mall on top of a geological phenomenon?
Mark: They love their malls here, man.
You know, this necklace makes me think of this totally random memory of my mother. I was a little kid, and I was crying for one reason or another. And she was cradling me, rocking me back and forth, and I can just remember the silver balls rolling around. And there was like snot running down my nose. And she offered me her sleeve and told me to blow my nose into it. And I can remember, even as a little kid, thinking to myself, this is love... this is love.Andrew Largeman
So what do we do? What do we do?Andrew Largeman
Wayne Campbell: All I have to say about that is "asphinctersayswhat".
Noah Vanderhoff: What?
Wayne Campbell: Exactly.
Wayne Campbell: Am I supposed to be a man, am I supposed to say, it's OK, I don't mind. I don't mind. Well I mind! I mind big time? And you know what the worst part is? I NEVER LEARNED TO READ.
Cassandra: Is that true?
Wayne Campbell: Yes, everything except the reading part.