Favorite Comedy Quotes
Ants: Hey, man, who cut the cheese?
Joe: He who smelt it, dealt it.
Fran Kubelik: I never catch colds.
C.C. Baxter: Really? I was reading some figures from the Sickness and Accident Claims Division. You know that the average New Yorker between the ages of twenty and fifty has two and a half colds a year?
Fran Kubelik: That makes me feel just terrible.
C.C. Baxter: Why?
Fran Kubelik: Well, to make the figures come out even, if I have no colds a year, some poor slob must have five colds a year.
C.C. Baxter: Yeah... it's me.
Veronica, why are you pulling my dick?Heather Duke
Morty: [while Michael is about to call him] Yes?
Michael Newman: [jumps back and lands on the table] You scared the...
Donna Newman: Honey, what's going on down there?
Michael Newman: I, uh, it was a mouse! It's dead, I killed it, it just broke the table first.
Prince Edward: [talking to a TV] Magic Mirror. I beg you. Tell me where she is!
Mary Ilene Caselotti: [on TV] Reporting from 116th and Broadway.
Prince Edward: One hundred and sixteenth and Broadway!
[hugs the TV]
Prince Edward: Thank you mirror!
[kisses it and runs off]
E.B.: What are the newspapers for?
Fred: You know you're an animal, so..
E.B.: Oh, I understand. I'll just sleep down here, among my poo and pee, like a pig.
You CANNOT make friends with the rock stars. That's what's important. If you're a rock journalist - first, you will never get paid much. But you will get free records from the record company. And they'll buy you drinks, you'll meet girls, they'll try to fly you places for free, offer you drugs... I know. It sounds great. But they are not your friends. These are people who want you to write sanctimonious stories about the genius of the rock stars, and they will ruin rock and roll and strangle everything we love about it.Lester Bangs
Oh, fuck it, I don't have to talk either, man! See how you like it. Just total fuckin' silence. Two can play at that game, smart guy. We'll just see how you like it. Total silence.Carl Showalter
Nick Portokalos: Listen, you know. I really think you should say: eho tria orchidea. It means: everyone, let's come in the house. I think everybody will really like it.
Ian Miller: Eho tria orchidea?
Nick Portokalos: Yeah! That's good! Very good! You got it!
Ian Miller: I'm not falling for that again, Nick.
Nick Portokalos: What?
Ian Miller: Yeah, what. Angelo? How do you say: everyone, let's go into the house?
Angelo: Eho tria orchidea!
Nick Portokalos: Hum?
Ian Miller: Everyone: eho tria orchidea! [translation: "I have three testicles!"]
Miles Raymond: Okay, so what's the plan?
Jack: Uh... the plan is... you go.
Miles Raymond: ME?
Jack: 'Cause of my ankle. Still hurts. Just go explain the situation, Miles.
Miles Raymond: [laughs uproariously]
Miles Raymond: Explain the situation? Yes. 'Excuse me, sir, my friend was the one balling your wife couple of hours ago. Really sorry. He seems to have left his wallet behind. I was wondering if I come in, just poke around, I don't know'
Jack: Yeah, yeah, just like that. That's good.
LIFE! DO YOU HEAR ME? GIVE MY CREATION... LIFE!Dr. Frederick Frankenstein
Hoyt Ambrose: You want me to give you something funny to laugh about?
Bartleby Gaines: You mean funnier than your future alcohol abuse?