You better take care of me, Lord. If you don't you're gonna have me on your hands.

Raoul Duke

[heading towards an ox] I need to bite its hide... and wear its stomach like a unitard.

Jeff Portnoy

Gale: You understand, H.I.? If this works out, it's just the beginning of a spree to cover the entire southwest proper. And we keep going until we can retire. Or we get caught.
Evelle: Either way, we're fixed for life.

Pastor Arthur Mitchell: Actually, your honor, we have a lot of witnesses here that are willing to testify to a lot of things... like embezzlement.
Tianna: Misappropriation of funds.
Sister Doris: Falsifying documents.
Rickey: Not to mention, wearing an easter suit with a halloween shirt and tie set!

J.T.: Hey there, little Yankee boy. Look what I got.
Vinny Gambini: What is it?
J.T.: $200.
Vinny Gambini: Bring it here, let me see it.
[J.T. presents a roll of bills]
Vinny Gambini: How do I know that's not a bunch of ones with a twenty wrapped around it?
J.T.: [after short pause] It's two hundred bucks.
Vinny Gambini: Fan it out, show it to me.
[pause. J.T. stuffs the roll back in his pocket]
Vinny Gambini: Yeah, right.

Jay: All right, but let's say we're caught in a situation where we've got like five minutes to live, like a bomb or something is gonna go off. Would you fuck us then?
Bethany: In that highly unlikely situation? Yeah, sure.
Jay: She's a slut. Bunnnng.

Loki: [to a female employee after he shot all of the board members] Gum? Oh, these guys, these men were evil. You're a pure soul. You have nothing to worry about... but you did not say "God bless you" when I sneezed.
Bartleby: LOKI!
Loki: You're getting off light!

Joe Kingman: You need to be a mom to do this stuff.
Monique Vasquez: I don't know about that. True mothers are smarter, kinder, and better at just about everything.

You'll have to pay me to see this garbage!


Steve: Hey Mike, 'I got dibs on top' Ha ha.
Mike: Shut up!
Steve: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Mike: Why don't you shut up?
Steve: Heh heh, 'Hello Washington'. Ha ha ha.
Mike: SHUT UP!

The Grandson: Is this a kissing book?
Grandpa: Wait, just wait.
The Grandson: Well, when does it get good?
Grandpa: Keep your shirt on, and let me read.

I've finally found someone I can love - a good, clean love... without utensils.


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