Favorite Comedy Quotes
You see the world through John Malkovich's eyes. Then after about 15 minutes, you're spit out into a ditch on the side of the New Jersey Turnpike!Craig Schwartz
You have smoked yourself retarded.Thurgood Jenkins
Annie Hall: So I told her about, about the family and about my feelings towards men and about my relationship with my brother. And then she mentioned penis envy. Do you know about that?
Alvy Singer: Me? I'm, I'm one of the few males who suffers from that.
Austin Powers: That's Dr. Evil's cat!
Vanessa Kensington: How can you tell?
Austin Powers: I never forget a pussy... cat.
Skip: Don't take this the wrong way Millie, but if I catch you in here again I'll ban you from the ballpark.
Millie: You can't ban me from the ballpark because my daddy donated the scoreboard.
Skip: What do we need a scoreboard for? We haven't scored any runs all season.
You better take care of me, Lord. If you don't you're gonna have me on your hands.Raoul Duke
Gale: You understand, H.I.? If this works out, it's just the beginning of a spree to cover the entire southwest proper. And we keep going until we can retire. Or we get caught.
Evelle: Either way, we're fixed for life.
Pastor Arthur Mitchell: Actually, your honor, we have a lot of witnesses here that are willing to testify to a lot of things... like embezzlement.
Tianna: Misappropriation of funds.
Sister Doris: Falsifying documents.
Rickey: Not to mention, wearing an easter suit with a halloween shirt and tie set!
J.T.: Hey there, little Yankee boy. Look what I got.
Vinny Gambini: What is it?
Vinny Gambini: Bring it here, let me see it.
[J.T. presents a roll of bills]
Vinny Gambini: How do I know that's not a bunch of ones with a twenty wrapped around it?
J.T.: [after short pause] It's two hundred bucks.
Vinny Gambini: Fan it out, show it to me.
[pause. J.T. stuffs the roll back in his pocket]
Vinny Gambini: Yeah, right.
Jay: All right, but let's say we're caught in a situation where we've got like five minutes to live, like a bomb or something is gonna go off. Would you fuck us then?
Bethany: In that highly unlikely situation? Yeah, sure.
Jay: She's a slut. Bunnnng.
Loki: [to a female employee after he shot all of the board members] Gum? Oh, these guys, these men were evil. You're a pure soul. You have nothing to worry about... but you did not say "God bless you" when I sneezed.
Loki: You're getting off light!
Joe Kingman: You need to be a mom to do this stuff.
Monique Vasquez: I don't know about that. True mothers are smarter, kinder, and better at just about everything.