Favorite Comedy Quotes
First D.J.: Okay, campers, rise and shine, and don't forget your booties 'cause it's cooooold out there today.
Second D.J.: It's coooold out there every day. What is this, Miami Beach?
First D.J.: Not hardly. And you know, you can expect hazardous travel later today with that, you know, that, uh, that blizzard thing.
Second D.J.: That blizzard - thing. That blizzard - thing. Oh, well, here's the report! The National Weather Service is calling for a "big blizzard thing!"
First D.J.: Yessss, they are. But you know, there's another reason why today is especially exciting.
Second D.J.: Especially cold!
First D.J.: Especially cold, okay, but the big question on everybody's lips...
Second D.J.: - On their chapped lips...
First D.J.: - On their chapped lips, right: Do ya think Phil is gonna come out and see his shadow?
Second D.J.: Punxsutawney Phil!
First D.J.: Thats right, woodchuck-chuckers - it's
Both: GROUNDHOG DAY!
[to Goldmember] There are only two things I can't stand in this world. People who are intolerant of other people's cultures... and the Dutch.Nigel Powers
I'm gonna go see Dr. Finklestein and I'm gonna tell him we have a whole new bag of issues. We can forget about mom for a while.Jeremy Grey
Julianne Potter: I'm pond scum. Well, lower actually. I'm like the fungus that feeds on pond scum.
Michael O'Neill: Lower. The pus that infects the mucus that cruds up the fungus that feeds on the pond scum. On the other hand, thank you for loving me that much, that way. It's pretty flattering.
Julianne Potter: Except it makes me fungus.
The Donkey: Shrek.
Shrek: What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say.
The Donkey: But that's no way to behave in front of a princess.
[Fiona burps louder]
Princess Fiona: Thanks.
The Donkey: [to Shrek] She's as nasty as you are.
Sister EncarnaciÃ³n: Well, my favorite color is light tan. My favourite animal is puppies. I like serving the lord. Hiking, play volleyball...
Nacho: You gotta be kidding me. Everything you just said, is MY favourite thing to do, every day!
Chicks cannot hold their smoke, dat's what it is.Brian Johnson
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I will kick you repeatedly in the balls, Gardocki!Brennan Huff
You tell anyone about this and I'll fucking kill you. I'm kidding, I'm kidding, we'll have him home by midnight.Frank
Ed Rooney: What's the score?
Pizza Joint Owner: Nothin' nothin'.
Ed Rooney: [not really listening] Who's winning?
Pizza Joint Owner: The Bears.
Hedley Lamarr: My mind is aglow with whirling, transient nodes of thought careening through a cosmic vapor of invention.
Hedley Lamarr: "Ditto?" "Ditto," you provincial putz?
Vance: [grabs Hitch by the wrist] You see what I'm doing? This is what I'm about - power suit, power tie, power steering. People can wince, cry, beg, but eventually they do what I want.
Hitch: Oh! So that's, like, a metaphor?
Vance: Oh, yeah.
Hitch: Right. Well, see, I'm more of a literal kind of guy. So when I do this...
[he reverses the grip, twists Vance's arm back and slams him on the table]
Hitch: This is more like me saying that I will literally *break your shit off* if you ever touch me again. Okay, pumpkin?