Favorite Comedy Quotes
I know about you and the teacher.Dirk Calloway
[after Al fix his car] Look at that! You're a goddamn wizard, Al!The Kid
You seem jumpy, Carter... did you switch from mocha to crack?Dan Foreman
Walter: There's only one guy in this world who can save us! There's only one frog who can restore order, bring justice, and set things right!
Fozzie Bear: You are talking about Kermit, right?
Miles Raymond: This weekend is not about me. It is about you. I'm gonna show you a good time. We're gonna drink a lot of good wine. We're gonna play some golf. We're gonna eat some great food and enjoy the scenery and we are going to send you off in style, mon frere.
Jack: And get your bone smooched.
Carl Peterson: The insurance adjuster recommended that we sue Dupree.
Molly Peterson: For a mooosehead?
Delmar O'Donnell: The preacher says all my sins is warshed away, including that Piggly Wiggly I knocked over in Yazoo.
Ulysses Everett McGill: I thought you said you was innocent of those charges?
Delmar O'Donnell: Well I was lyin'. And the preacher says that that sin's been warshed away too. Neither God nor man's got nothin' on me now. C'mon in boys, the water is fine.
Well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Do I look like Mother Theresa?Heather Chandler
I have received a call from Mark's dad saying the car wash was a success, and then I got a call from Chase's dad about the car wash being a great success, and then a call from Danni's dad saying we should have a car wash every weekend. So whatever she did, worked.Principal Wally Snur
Derek Zoolander: You mean, you haven't...
Matilda: Done it in a while, yeh.
Hansel: Now, what's a while? Like, eight days?
Nancy Kendricks: Do you realize how much the duplex is going to be worth once we get both floors?
Alex Rose: I know how much it costs.
Nancy Kendricks: Well it's going to be worth a bazillion times that.
Alex Rose: Really? A bazillion? That's an incredible return.
I've always been kind of a pacifist. When I was a kid, my father told me, "Never hit anyone in anger, unless you're absolutely sure you can get away with it." I don't know what kind of soldier I'm gonna make, but I want you guys to know that if we ever get into really heavy combat... I'll be right behind you guys. Every step of the way.Russell Ziskey