Favorite Comedy Quotes
No... not the artful postures of love, but love that overthrows life. Unbiddable, ungovernable, like a riot in the heart, and nothing to be done, come ruin or rapture. Love like there has never been in a play. I will have love or I will end my days as a...Viola De Lesseps
Dave Harken: You options are.
Dale Arbus: Legal options.
Dave Harken: JACK SHIT.
Dale Arbus: I heard Jack Lebowitz is that an attorney I'm going to write that down Jack Lebowitz.
Kurt Buckman: Got to be can we get his contact info please.
Ned Flanders: Ok, boys, when you meet Jesus, be sure to call Him Mr. Christ.
Todd Flanders: Will Buddha be there?
Ned Flanders: No.
Walter: Do you guys think that Kermit's been acting a little weird lately?
Miss Piggy: That's ridiculous! He's never been so caring and devoted to me!
Rizzo: Yeah, that's what we are saying!
Dean Vernon Wormer: Greg, what is the worst fraternity on this campus?
Greg Marmalard: Well that would be hard to say, sir. They're each outstanding in their own way.
Dean Vernon Wormer: Cut the horseshit, son. I've got their disciplinary files right here. Who dropped a whole truckload of fizzies into the swim meet? Who delivered the medical school cadavers to the alumni dinner? Every Halloween, the trees are filled with underwear. Every spring, the toilets explode.
Greg Marmalard: You're talking about Delta, sir.
Dean Vernon Wormer: Of course I'm talking about Delta, you TWERP!
Jack Byrnes: Greg's in medicine too.
Bob Banks: What field?
Greg Focker: Nursing.
Bob Banks: Ha ha ha ha. No, really, what field are you in?
Greg Focker: Nursing.
Henry Sherman: How much is he paying you?
Pagoda: I don't know what you're talking about.
E.B.: Fred, I am special.
Fred: We are all special.
E.B.: You are not getting it. I mean I am really special.
Don't worry. We can walk to the curb from here.Alvy Singer
Consult your doctor before using this product. Side effects may include oily discharge, hives, loss of appetite, low blood pressure. If you have diabetes or a history of kidney trouble, you're dead, asshole!Jack
Joel Goodson: You listen to me, buster. You, you a-hole.
Joel Goodson: I want my stuff back right now.
Guido: Now you listen to me, you little fuck. Not only you take my two best girls, you call me names. If I didn't have any self-respect, it wouldn't just be the furniture, it'd be your arms, your legs, your head.
Shaun: David, kill the Queen!
Shaun: The jukebox!