Favorite Comedy Quotes
Carl Showalter: I'm not gonna debate you, Jerry.
Jerry Lundegaard: Okay.
Carl Showalter: I'm not gonna sit here and debate.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: I'm going to need you to retard your anger.
Dave Buznik: It's retarded. I'm retarded.
Reporter: Are you a mod or a rocker?
Ringo: Um, no. I'm a mocker.
Andrew Clark: If I lose my temper you're totaled, man.
John Bender: Totally?
Andrew Clark: Totally.
Joshua: Are you married, Mr. Kimble? Detective
John Kimble: No, I'm not.
Joshua: [shouts] He's not married, Mom!
Morgan Philip: You know they always say guys only have one thing on their mind.
Giselle: And whatâ€™s that?
Morgan Philip: I don't know. No one will tell me.
Raoul Duke: Well? What are your plans?
Dr. Gonzo: Plans?
Raoul Duke: The child in the bedroom.
Dr. Gonzo: Oh, Lucy. I met her on the plane. Yeah, she's a religious freak. I gave her a cap before I realized... Jesus, she's never even had a drink before.
Ian Faith: I've got a small bit of bad news.
Derek Smalls: Makes a change doesn't it.
Ian Faith: We've been cancelled here.
David St. Hubbins: At the hotel?
Ian Faith: No. The gig is canceled.
Benjamin: I think you're incredibly pretty - please don't take offense if I don't hit on you.
Kelly: I'd be offended if you did.
Harold: [riding a cheetah] Dude, am I really high, or is this actually working?
Girl: Can you sign a copy of your book for me. I got it on ebay.
Uncle Ben: They sell my shit on ebay?
Guy: You wrote a book?
Uncle Ben: Yeah, that was back when I was drinking.
Mona Lisa Vito: Don't you wanna know why Trotter gave you his files?
Vinny Gambini: I told you why already.
Mona Lisa Vito: He has to, by law, you're entitled. It's called disclosure, you dickhead! He has to show you everything, otherwise it could be a mistrial. He has to give you a list of all his witnesses, you can talk to all his witnesses, he's not allowed any surprises.
[Vinny has a blank look on his face]
Mona Lisa Vito: They didn't teach you that in law school either?