Favorite Comedy Quotes
Hippie Student: [Kumar trying to buy pot] Here, that's sixt - 80 bucks.
Kumar: 80 bucks?
Hippie Student: Yeah, 80 bucks.
Kumar: Yo, this is worth 40 tops bro!
Hippie Student: Bro? I'm not your bro, bro. ok, and that's 80 bucks. You don't feel like getting high tonight? If you don't feel like getting high, that's cool with me because there's lots of people around here. See this guy? Hey, what's up, George? I smoke buds with George all the time.
Kumar: What kind of a hippie are you?
Hippie Student: What kind of hippie am I? Man, I'm a business hippie, I understand the concept of supply and demand.
Harold: Dude, we're so high right now!
Kumar: We're not low!
Kumar: Now we're in Newark, of all places. You know we're gonna get shot.
Harold: Maybe it's not as bad as they say. Maybe it's just a bunch of hype.
Kumar: Check it out. Those guys look like a lame version of us.
[2 guys get jumped and beaten with a 2x4 and other weapons]
Harold, Kumar: Holy shit!
[assailants stop beating up 2 guys, look up and pause, then continue with the assaults while the 2 men lay on the ground moaning]
Harold: Let's get the fuck outta here. Go! Go! Drive! Drive!
Ding-dong! May I interject for a second? As a Burger Shack employee for the past three years, if there's one thing I've learned, it's that if you're craving White Castle, the burgers here just don't cut it. In fact, just thinking about those tender little White Castle burgers with those little, itty-bitty grilled onions that just explode in your mouth like flavor crystals every time you bite into one... just makes me want to burn this motherfucker down. Come on, Pookie, let's burn this motherfucker down! Come on, Pookie! Let's burn it, Pookie! Let's burn this motherfucker down! Let's burn it down! Let's burn it! So you guys maybe should just suck it up and go to White Castle.Burger Shack Employee
Burger Shack Employee: You guys might have wanted to stay away from our special sauce tonight. Me and Pookie, we added a secret ingredient. I'll give you a hint. It's semen.
[bursts out laughing]
Harold: [Smirks] Semen.
Burger Shack Employee: Animal semen.
[Harold and Kumar scream and drive off as fast as possible]
Freakshow: Go on inside, boys, and make yourselves at home. You can rest up, get something to drink, fuck my wife, whatever you want. Just don't do anything the good lord would'nt do.
Kumar: [walking away with Harold] Dude am I going deaf or did he just say we could fuck his wife?
Harold: Oh, nice. 16 Candles is on, man.
Kumar: And the award for the least heterosexual statement ever made in this apartment goes to... Harold Lee! Come on down, man! Take a bow!
Harold: Shut up, man. It's a classic.
Harold: So what are you in here for?
Tarik: For being black.
Tarik: I am serious. You wanna know what happened. I was walking out of a Barnes & Noble, and a cop stops me. Evidently, a black guy robbed a storein Newark. I told him, "I haven't even been to Newark in months." So he starts beating me with his gun, telling me to stop resisting arrest.
Harold: Holy shit! What'd you do?
Tarik: I kept saying, "I understand I'm under arrest. Now please stop beating me."
Harold: I don't understand how you can be so calm about all this.
Tarik: Look at me. I'm fat, black, can't dance, and I have two gay fathers. People have been messing with me my whole life. I learned a long time ago there's no sense getting all riled up every time a bunch of idiots give you a hard time. In the end, the universe tends to unfold as it should. Plus I have a really large penis. That keeps me happy.
Harold: Neil, you wouldn't happen to know how to get on the highway from here, would you?
Neil Patrick Harris: Dude, I don't even know where the fuck I am right now. I was at this party earlier tonight and some guy hooked me up with this incredible "X" - next thing I know I'm being thrown out of a moving car. I've been trippin' balls ever since.
Kumar: That's crazy, dude. We've been having a pretty crazy, night, too. We've just been driving around looking for White Castle but we keep getting sidetracked.
Neil Patrick Harris: Yeah, dude, you fascinate me. Forget White Castle, let's go get some pussy!
Neil Patrick Harris: It's a fucking sausage fest in here, bros. Let's get some poontang, THEN we'll go to White Castle.
Kumar: No, Neil, you don't understand. We've been craving these burgers all night.
Neil Patrick Harris: Yeah, I've been craving burgers, too. Furburgers. Come on, dudes, let's pick up some trim at a strip club. The Doogie line always works on strippers.
Neil Patrick Harris: Lapdance...
Kumar: [pause] There's a gas station. I'm gonaa see if I can get some directions.
Neil Patrick Harris: You don't need dir- gah! Hurry up, dudes, hurry up! I'm losing wood.
[they park, pause]
Neil Patrick Harris: Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry...
Kumar: Look, chill.
Harold: We'll be right back, Neil.
[they exit the car]
Harold: Dude, what is the deal with Neil Patrick Harris? Why is he so horny?
Kumar: Roldy! Roldy! dude, you gotta come quick. There is these two filthy pussies just aching to get boned by us!
Kumar: I mean... duh... that there are these two lovely young pussies who would like to have a chat with you and I.
Harold: [riding a cheetah] Dude, am I really high, or is this actually working?
Goldstein: Sorry, kids. We ain't goin' nowhere. We're watching 'The Gift'. Supposedly Katie Holmes shows her titties in this movie.
Harold: Is that all you Jews ever think about? Tits?
Rosenberg: Katie Holmes is a nice, respectable, wholesome girl... and I'm gonna see her boobs.
Goldstein: The things I would eat out of her ass! You have no idea!
Rosenberg: Ugh! That is a completely vulgar statement.
Goldstein: So is, "I wanna bang Britney Spears on the bathroom floor," but it's true.