Ted: Japan? What's she doing in Japan?
Pat Healy: Well, you've heard of mail-order brides? Well, they go that way too.
Ted: What, are they desperate? She's a whale!
Pat Healy: You can't forget, it's a sumo culture, Ted. They pay by the pound over there. Sorta like, um, tuna.

Charlie Jensen: Is it the frank or the beans?
Ted: Um ... I don't know ... both I guess.
Warren: [from outside] Franks and beans! Franks and beans!

Have you seen my baseball?

Warren

[to Tucker] We agreed I wouldn't fuck you, and you wouldn't fuck me until we got this other fuck outta the fuckin' picture!

Pat Healy

[singing, narrating] His friends would say stop whining, they've had enough of that. His friends would say stop pining, there's other girls to look at. They've tried to set him up with Tiffany and Indigo... But there's something about Mary that they don't know.... Mary, there's just something about Mary.

Jonathan

Mary: Did you mean what you said up there?
Ted: Well ya I just want you to be happy Mary.
Mary: But I'd be happiest with you.

What did I tell you the first time we met? I'm a Niners fan!

Mary

Pat Healy: What the hell is Brett Favre doing here?
Brett Favre: I'm in town to play the Dolphins, you dumbass.

Mary: Hey, you want to go upstairs and watch SportsCenter?
Ted: No, I think I'm just going to quit while I'm ahead.
Mary: You're not that far ahead, Ted.

Mary: I want a guy who can play 36 holes of golf, and still have enough energy to take Warren and me to a baseball game, and eat sausages, and beer, not lite beer, but beer. That's my ad, print it up.
Brenda: "Fatty who likes golf and beer." Gee, Mary, where are you gonna find a gem like that?

He never even looked her up down there! He was down there closing his deal with the Rice-a-Roni people the whole time!

Ted

Ted: So you're moving down to Miami?
Pat Healy: I accepted a job offer.
Ted: With who?
Pat Healy: With... uh... Rice-a-Roni.
Ted: Isn't that the San Francisco treat?
Pat Healy: It was. They're changing their image.

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