Favorite Comedy Quotes
Francis Fratelli: Tell us everything! Everything!
Chunk: Everything. OK! I'll talk! In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max's toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog... When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I got nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out... But the worst thing I ever done - I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, t-t-then, I made a noise like this
Jake Fratelli: I'm beginning to like this kid, Ma!
Mama Fratelli: [tired of Chunk's stalling] Hit puree!
Mark Bellison: I did a bad thing...
Anna McDoogles: It's ok you get three!
Dot: Where's that baby? Where's he at?
Glen: [smacks Dot on the ass] Go find him, honey!
Dot: [smacks Glen with her purse] Cut it out, Glen!
H.I.: [quietly] He's asleep right now.
Glen: [rubbing his jaw] Shit! I hope we didn't wake it!
Journalist #1: Do you have any other pig parts?
Journalist #2: With such a large nose, do you smell better than the rest of us?
Penelope: [laughs] You tell me.
[to Alison] I'm sorry I'm sweating on you...Ben Stone
I'm testing the air. I like it but it doesn't like me.Macaulay Connor
Tom Dobbs: NASA spent 30 Million dollars creating the pen that would write upside down in space. Did you know that? The Russians, how ever, were able to solve this problem with
Tom Dobbs: Five cent pencil! Writes right side up, writes up-side down. After five quarts of vodka, is still writing!
Carlos: You called, Edna? You are a vision as always. Ah, Hello, Alex.
Alexander Scott: Hi, Carlos. How was Cuba?
Carlos: Es... adequate.
Motorcycle Cop: Do you know what the penalty for animal cruelty is in this state?
Clark: No, sir, I don't.
Motorcycle Cop: Well... it's probably pretty stiff.
Edward Ferrars: I hope I find you all well.
Marianne: Thank you, Edward, we are all very well.
Margaret: We've been enjoying very fine weather.
[Marianne nudges her]
Margaret: Well, we have.
Edward Ferrars: I'm glad to hear it. The roads were very... dry.
Boog? What's that short for? Booger?Ian
Look at my limo driver... I'm going to have sex with her! alright!Aldous Snow