Favorite Comedy Quotes
Fran Kubelik: I never catch colds.
C.C. Baxter: Really? I was reading some figures from the Sickness and Accident Claims Division. You know that the average New Yorker between the ages of twenty and fifty has two and a half colds a year?
Fran Kubelik: That makes me feel just terrible.
C.C. Baxter: Why?
Fran Kubelik: Well, to make the figures come out even, if I have no colds a year, some poor slob must have five colds a year.
C.C. Baxter: Yeah... it's me.
Julianne Potter: You're going to humiliate me, aren't you?
George Downes: Only if I can.
Erica Barry: Ahh!
Harry: [Seeing Erica] Oh!! Oh.
Erica Barry: No! STOP!
Harry: OH! OOH!
Erica Barry: [hides behind door] AAHH! STOP!
Harry: [covers his eyes] Oh, I'm sorry! Oh, God... am I sorry.
Erica Barry: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Harry: I'm sorry! I didn't see anything... Just your tits.
Sally Albright: Most women at one time or another have faked it.
Harry Burns: Well, they haven't faked it with me.
Sally Albright: How do you know?
Harry Burns: Because I know.
Sally Albright: Oh. Right. Thats right. I forgot. Youre a man.
Harry Burns: What was that supposed to mean?
Sally Albright: Nothing. Its just that all men are sure it never happened to them, and all women at one time or other have done it, so you do the math.
Veronica, why are you pulling my dick?Heather Duke
Oh, fuck it, I don't have to talk either, man! See how you like it. Just total fuckin' silence. Two can play at that game, smart guy. We'll just see how you like it. Total silence.Carl Showalter
Nigel Boswell/Agent 006: Boswell. Nigel Boswell. 006. You know what that means?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Of course! It means you are one away from the big time.
[shouting] We all got the flu. Such a coincidence.Annie
Peter: Do you need a plastic bag, or....
Sydney: Oh no. I don't clean up after my dog.
Claire: You know, you look a lot better without all that black shit under your eyes.
Allison Reynolds: Hey, I like all that black shit... Why are you being so nice to me?
Claire: Because you're letting me.
Toula Portokalos: What happened? Biker fight? nose job? What?
Ian Miller: Uh... yeah.
Toula Portokalos: No, really.
Ian Miller: You don't want to know.
Toula Portokalos: Oh I don't know. If I had survived an old lady ass-kicking I would want to brag about it.
LIFE! DO YOU HEAR ME? GIVE MY CREATION... LIFE!Dr. Frederick Frankenstein