So she's kinda fucking cute. Let her touch your penis.

Kumar

Harold: I want 30 sliders, 5 french fries, and 4 large cherry cokes.
Kumar: I want the same except make mine diet cokes.

Harold: I am so hungry. I'm gonna eat, like, 20 of those burgers, man.
Kumar: Dude, fuckin' I will see your 20 burgers and raise you 5 orders of fries.

Harold: Back off cockboy, what I said him goes double for you.
J.D.: Cockboy, you just call me cockboy?
Harold: Yeah, you know I did. You're just stalling cuz you're not quick enough to think of a comeback.
J.D.: You think I'm not quick enough. Guy thinks I'm not quick enough. Well I got news for you. I am quick enough!... Cockboy!

Dr. Willoughby: Do you actually believe that after the way you've just behaved that I would even consider recommending you for admission?
Kumar: No. I'm gonna be honest with you. The only reason I'm applying is so my dad will keep paying for my apartment. I really don't have a desire to go to med school.
Dr. Willoughby: But you have perfect MCAT scores!
Kumar: Yeeeah, just cause you're hung like a moose doesn't mean you gotta do porn.

Kumar: I forgot my cell phone.
Harold: You wanna run back and get it?
[both turn and look at their front door 20 feet from them]
Kumar: No, we've gone too far.

Freakshow: What the hell are you doing with my wife?
Harold: Y-you said outside that we could have sex with her!
Kumar: Shit! Shit!
Freakshow: I most certainly did not!
Harold: Yes you did!
Freakshow: Did not!
Kumar: Yes you did!
Freakshow: Oh, no, I didn't.
Kumar: You did, you did.
Freakshow: You sure...?
Harold: You said it!
Freakshow: [laughing] My mistake! Well, since we're all here... How 'bout a four-some?

Harold: [awakening from dream after being hit on head] What the hell are you doing? Gawd!
Kumar: You been out cold for the past half an hour. I figured maybe if I did some gay shit, you'd wake up.
Harold: If you did some gay shit? What kinda - where are we? Didn't we come here on a cheetah? Where's the cheetah?
Kumar: It ran away. Listen, forget about the cheetah, okay?

Kumar: So where you going to go now, Neil?
Neil Patrick Harris: [puts on sunglasses] Wherever God takes me!

Kumar: [about Doogie Howser, M.D] So, I gotta ask you Neil, did you ever get it on with Wanda off the set?
Neil Patrick Harris: Dude, I humped every piece of ass ever on that show.
Kumar: Even the chick who played the hot nurse?
Neil Patrick Harris: No... I didn't go all the way with her.

Nathaniel Banks: "I was in bed. I didn't fire any gun. I swear."
Officer Palumbo: "Hey, Jackson's trying to escape!"
Tarik: "What are you talking about? I'm just sitting here."
Officer Martone: "He's trying to break free! Get him!"

Bring the noise!

Danny Butterman

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