Deborah Byrnes: No. We are not gonna postpone the rehearsal for some stupid cat.
Jack Byrnes: Stupid cat? How can you say that? That cat's been like a brother to you. And we're supposed to just let him wander the streets without food, water or toilet?
[looking around the house]
Jack Byrnes: Denny. DENNY?
Denny Byrnes: Right here, dad.
Jack Byrnes: Okay, you're subbing for the cat today.
Denny Byrnes: Oh no, I'm not wearing that stupid pillow thing on my head.
Jack Byrnes: Oh yes you damn well will!

Jack Byrnes: Greg's a male nurse.
Greg Focker: Yes. Thank you, Jack.
Kevin: Wow, that's great. I'd love to find time to do some volunteer work. Just the other day I saw a golden retriever, he had like a gimp, ya know I just wish I could have done something.
Greg Focker: Yeah, well I get paid too so it's sort of a everyone wins thing.

Jack Byrnes: What are you guys doing in here?
Larry: Looks like rounding second base.

Jack Byrnes: If I set you up, do you think you can spike it, Focker?
Greg Focker: Well, I would have to get pretty high.
Jack Byrnes: I bet you would, Panama Red.

Have you ever watched pornographic videos?

Jack Byrnes

Ben Stone: Our baby is going to be French Canadian.
Alison Scott: And a little bit Spanish?
Ben Stone: Yeah, I'm not very good with impressions.

[to Alison] I'm sorry I'm sweating on you...

Ben Stone

Pete: You mean like Mr. Skin?
Ben Stone: Who's Mr. Skin?
Pete: You know, Mr. Skin.

[to Alison] Are you the lady who doesn't realize she's pregnant until she's sitting on the toilet and the kid pops out?

Debbie

[to bartender] You're going to be embarrassed when you realize I'm Wilmer Valderrama.

Ben Stone

Worrying about your kids is sanity, and being that sane... can drive you nuts

John Clasky

Deborah Clasky: Are you that much nicer than me?
John Clasky: You didn't set the bar that high.

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