Favorite Comedy Quotes
Buzz Lightyear: Don't worry, Woody. In just a few hours you'll be sitting around a campfire with Andy making delicious hot Schmoes.
Woody: They're called "S'mores", Buzz.
Buzz Lightyear: Yes, yes. Of course.
I'm drowning here! I'm going down for the last time! I... I... I see my whole life flashing before my eyes! I see a weathered old farmhouse... With a white picket fence... I'm running through fields of alfalfa with my collie, Rex. No Rex, not on the alfalfa. And I see my mother... I see Mama, standing on the back porch... And I hear her calling out to me..."Alvin, don't forget your chores! The wood needs a-cordin' and the cows need a-milkin'! Alviiiiin! Aaaaalviiiiiiiiiiiin!"... Wait a minute. My name's not Alvin. That's not my life. Someone else's life is flashing before my eyes. What the hell is that about? I'm not a hillbilly, I grew up in the Bronx. Leo's taken everything from me... Even my past!Max Bialystock
[Lin slaps Chon Wang]
Chon Wang: I just saved you!
Chon Lin: You were late!
Go to sleep! Why won't you just go to sleep!Droz
Jake: Maybe this one will put out unlike that cold fish, Jessica.
Jessica (in Clive's body): YOU GO TO HELL!
Jessica (in Clive's body): Whoever left these showers on, go to hell.
Kenny Fisher: Do you, uh... what a drink?
Stoned Girl: Okay.
Kenny Fisher: Uh... how 'bout I poison it?
Stoned Girl: Okay.
Constantine: My name will go down as the greatest thief of all time!
Dominic Badguy: You mean our names, right?
Constantine: Of course. My name first, then space bump, space bump, space bump, your name...
What is it with all the women in this family, that makes all the men in this family wanna leave?Garry
Eli: Okay, you know what the three of us are? We're a tripod.
Matt: A tripod?
Eli: Yes, a tripod. Which means that if you knock out one of our legs... WE. ALL. FALL!
Janice Bowden: I hear baseball players make awfully good salaries nowadays.
Jake Taylor: Well it all depends on how good you are.
Janice Bowden: How good are you?
Jake Taylor: I make the league minimum.
Willie: Are you sure you wouldn't be more comfortable on bottom, Fred?
Fred Claus: To be honest Willie, I don't think it's gonna make much of a difference either way.
Daphne Wilder: What? Three times? Is that... is that normal?
Mae: Oh, come on. We all know I hold the record in this family.