Favorite Comedy Quotes
Joel Goodson: [voiceover] The dream is always the same. Instead of going home, I go to the neighbors'. I ring, but nobody answers. The door is open, so I go inside. I'm looking around for the people, but nobody seems to be there. And then I hear the shower running, so I go upstairs to see what's what. Then I see her; this... girl, this incredible girl. I mean, what she's doing there I don't know, because she doesn't live there... but it's a dream, so I go with it. "Who's there?" she says. "Joel," I say. "What are you doing here?" "I don't know what I'm doing here; what are *you* doing here?" "I'm taking a shower," she says. Then I give her: "You want me to go?" "No," she says; "I want you to wash my back." So now, I'm gettin' enthusiastic about this dream. So I go to her, but she's hard to find through all the steam and stuff; I keep losing her. Finally I get to the door... and I... find myself in a room full of kids taking their college boards. I'm over three hours late; I've got two minutes to take the whole test. I've... just made a terrible mistake. I'll never get to college. My life is ruined.
Guido: Listen to me.
Joel Goodson: No, no. You listen to ME!
Guido: [hangs up]
Joel Goodson: Shit!
Joel Goodson: You listen to me, buster. You, you a-hole.
Joel Goodson: I want my stuff back right now.
Guido: Now you listen to me, you little fuck. Not only you take my two best girls, you call me names. If I didn't have any self-respect, it wouldn't just be the furniture, it'd be your arms, your legs, your head.
I don't think I am going to say, "What the fuck" anymore.Joel Goodson
Well, Joel, you've done a lot of solid work here, but it's just not Ivy League, now is it?Rutherford
It was great the way her mind worked. No guilt, no doubts, no fear. None of my specialities. Just the shameless pursuit of immediate gratification. What a capitalist.Joel Goodson
Joel Goodson: Some of the girls are wearing my mother's clothing.
Lana: What's wrong with that?
Joel Goodson: I just don't want to spend the rest of my life in analysis.
Jackie: Hello, Joel. I'm Jackie.
Joel Goodson: Hello, Jackie. I'm not Joel. Joel stepped out for a moment. Hold on... I'll go call him.
Harry Potter: Welcome! My name is Harry Potter!
Lucy: Aren't you a little old to be still a student here?
Harry Potter: Nonsense. I am but 14.
White Bitch: This crystal will finally put an end to the resistance. I will start a series of earthquakes that will collapse all of Gnarnia and grow a new continent where onlyI and my followers will live.
Bink: Yo, Bitch, that's pretty much the plot of Superman Returns.
White Bitch: Pretty much, yeah.
White Bitch: [holding crystal] Let's start things off with a bang, shall we?
Edward: But you'll kill millions.
White Bitch: Billions. Come on. Let me hear you say it.
Edward: My family will stop you!
White Bitch: WRONG!
Borat: Jagshemash! My name a-Borat! You did it! You make moviefilm have happy ending.
[Captain Jack Swallows comes on his wheel and runs Lucy, Peter, Susan and Edward over]