Favorite Comedy Quotes
Mac MacGuff: Did you see that coming?
Bren: Yeah... but I was hoping she was expelled, or into hard drugs.
Mac MacGuff: Or DWI... anything but this.
Judge B. Bennet Galloway: Mr. Jackson, six months ago you were caught shoplifting at a Stop 'N Shop, with a box full of Ding Dongs and a six pack of Banana Strawberry Boone's Farm.
LeeJohn: Uh, your honor, it was Goober Grape.
Judge B. Bennet Galloway: When the arresting officer searched you, he found a twenty dollar bill in your pocket. Why didn't you just pay for it?
LeeJohn: Because this dude named Bo-Peep was on my ass about twenty dollars and I...
Lloyd: The first time I set eyes on Mary Swanson, I just got that old fashioned romantic feeling where I'd do anything to bone her.
Harry: That's a special feeling, Lloyd.
You can cross that one off your bucket list.Mrs. Stainer
Jerry Lundegaard: I'm, uh, Jerry Lundegaard.
Carl Showalter: You're Jerry Lundegaard?
Jerry Lundegaard: Ya. Shep Proudfoot said...
Carl Showalter: Shep said you'd be here at 7:30. What gives, man?
Jerry Lundegaard: Shep said 8:30.
Carl Showalter: We've been sitting here an hour. He's peed three times already.
Jerry Lundegaard: I'm sure sorry. Shep told me 8:30. It was a mix-up, I guess.
Girls don't pay - guys pay!Debbie Dunham
[Exhales at his ex-wife] I need a drink. Do you have any beer, Coyote Ugly?Bud Brumder
I love Dick!Arlene Lorenzo
Nathaniel Banks: "I was in bed. I didn't fire any gun. I swear."
Officer Palumbo: "Hey, Jackson's trying to escape!"
Tarik: "What are you talking about? I'm just sitting here."
Officer Martone: "He's trying to break free! Get him!"
Gwen DeMarco: Fred, you had a part people loved. I mean, my TV Guide interview was six paragraphs about my BOOBS and how they fit into my suit. No one bothered to ask me what I do on the show.
Fred Kwan: You were... the umm, wait a minute, I'll think of it...
Gwen DeMarco: I repeated the computer, Fred.
"You're never gonna believe where I'm callin' you from, man. I'm on a mountain, on my phone!"[passing the main characters, as they begin to suspect they're in the '80s]
Banky: Well, you're in love. And you've both got your own monkey. What more could two guys from New Jersey want?
Jay: Well, to have all these fucks stop talking shit about us on the Internet.
Banky: What've I been telling you? There's nothing you can do about it. Unless you show up at all their houses and beat the shit out of them.