Deputy Clementine Johnson: You need to go to the store and get me some cranberry juice cuz it's gonna be one of those days!
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Uh oh, yeast infection time!

Deputy Clementine Johnson: Let me in, I don't have a key to this door.
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: It's open. You ok?
Deputy Clementine Johnson: Oh, I'm in love.
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Hey, you've got a bandage on your teat.
Deputy Clementine Johnson: A love bandage.
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: No, I mean an ace bandage.
Deputy Clementine Johnson: Oh my God, if I've been stabbed, I'm gonna be so pissed!

Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Does anybody have any ideas?
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: What about... a phone... you can smell through...

I had to pee, so I did the pullover thing, but I think I dribbled.

Deputy Trudy Wiegel

Eli: Matthew, I tell you that you're going to regret this. What would JFK do? You know he'd tap that ass.
Matthew: Eli, you're never going to see her again.
Eli: Oh, you know what? Fine!
Matthew: Fine!
Eli: Fine! Goddammit Matt! I swear to God if you don't fuck her, I'll kill myself! Matt! Please! Please! Matt! Fuck her for me! For me!

Minions!

Eli

Excuse me.
[makes out with Danielle]

Matthew

Mr. Peterson: [while getting lap dance] So, what was the scholarship for?
Matthew: Moral fiber.

I'm in so much trouble.

Matthew

Dude, am I ugly?

Klitz

[to Klitz] I know this isn't professional, but I think you're really cute.

April

Danielle: Thank you.
Matthew: For what?
Danielle: I never went to prom.

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