Favorite Comedy Quotes
Mrs. Baskin: You have my son?
Josh: [Over the phone] Yes.
Mrs. Baskin: Look, if you touch one hair on his head, I swear I will spend the rest of my life making sure you suffer.
Josh: Wow, thanks.
Josh: I'm much better at video hockey.
Paul: That's not a sport.
Josh: It requires hand and eye coordination.
Paul: It's not a sport if you don't sweat.
Josh: What about golf? It's a sport and you don't sweat.
Paul: It's not a sport if you let a machine do all the work.
Josh: What about car racing?
Paul: Shut up, Baskin.
MacMillan: You can't see this on a marketing report.
Josh: Um, what's a marketing report?
The space goes down, down baby, down, down the roller coaster. Sweet, sweet baby, sweet, sweet, don't let me go. Shimmy, shimmy, cocoa pop. Shimmy, shimmy, rock. Shimmy, shimmy, cocoa pop. Shimmy, shimmy, rock. I met a girlfriend - a triscuit. She said, a triscuit - a biscuit. Ice cream, soda pop, vanilla on the top. Ooh, Shelly's out, walking down the street, ten times a week. I read it. I said it. I stole my momma's credit. I'm cool. I'm hot. Sock me in the stomach three more times.Josh and Billy
Scotty Brennen: See that girl over there in the red? Say "hi" to her and she's yours. She'll have her legs around you so tight you'll be begging for mercy.
Josh: Well, I'll stay away from her, then.
[in Korean] Oy vey. Mom's ass is so tight, it's vacuum sealed.Sung Mi
Daphne Wilder: I say marriage, you say...
Transvestite: Vera Wang.
Mae: Mom, why do you always wear the high tops?
Daphne Wilder: I just got these, what's wrong with these?
Maggie: There just kinda depressing.
Milly: Mom for your 60th birthday we'll buy you something beautiful, something that grandma Moses would not wear.
You're not a helicopter, mom. Quit hovering.Mae
[on sex] I swear, by the third time I was so loud car alarms were going off and dogs were barking.Maggie
Daphne Wilder: What? Three times? Is that... is that normal?
Mae: Oh, come on. We all know I hold the record in this family.
Daphne Wilder: Milly, honey, why are you so quiet?
Mae: 'Cause she's doing the oompa-loompa with two guys, mom.