Favorite Comedy Quotes
Mona Lisa Vito: [Vinny looks at her funny] What?
Vinny Gambini: Nothing. You stick out like a sore thumb around here.
Mona Lisa Vito: Me? What about you?
Vinny Gambini: I fit in better than you. At least I'm wearing cowboy boots.
Mona Lisa Vito: Oh yeah, you blend.
Judge Chamberlain Haller: The next words out of your mouth better be "guilty" or "not guilty." I don't want to hear commentary, argument, or opinion. If I hear anything other than "guilty" or "not guilty", you'll be in contempt. I don't even want to hear you clear your throat. Now, how do your clients plead?
Vinny Gambini: I think I get the point.
Judge Chamberlain Haller: No, I don't think you do. You're now in contempt of court. Would you like to go for two counts contempt?
Vinny Gambini: Not guilty.
Judge Chamberlain Haller: Thank you. Bail will be set at $200,000.
Okay, you're helping. We'll use your pictures. Ah! These *are* gonna be - you know, I'm sorry, these are going to be a help. I should have looked at these pictures before. I like this, uh, this is our first hotel room, right? That'll intimidate Trotter. Here's one of me from behind. And I didn't think I could feel worse than I did a couple of seconds ago. Thank you. Ah, here's a good one of the tire marks. Could we get any farther away? Where'd you shoot this, from up in a tree? What's this over here? It's dog shit. Dog shit! That's great! Dog shit, what a clue! Why didn't I think of that? Here's one of me reading. Terrific. I should've asked you along time ago for these pictures. Holy shit, you got it, honey! You did it! The case cracker, me in the shower! Ha ha! I love this! That's it!Vincent Gambini
Judge Chamberlain Haller: Mr. Gambini, didn't I tell you that the next time you appear in my court that you dress appropriately?
Vinny Gambini: You were serious about that?
Vinny Gambini: How many fingers am I holding up?
Judge Chamberlain Haller: Let the record show that counselor is holding up two fingers.
Vinny Gambini: Your Honor, please!
Lisa: How's your Chinese food?
Vinny Gambini: You just keep asking about Chinese food. You gotta let everybody know you're a tourist?
Lisa: Yeah well what are you, a fucking world traveler?
Judge Chamberlain Haller: I don't like your attitude.
Vinny Gambini: So what else is new?
Judge Chamberlain Haller: I'm holding you in contempt of court.
Vinny Gambini: [to Bill] Now there's a fucking surprise.
Judge Chamberlain Haller: What did you say? What did you just say?
Vinny Gambini: Huh? What did I say?
Bill: We think they're trying to set us up as patsies, Ma. You know how corrupt it is down here. They all know each other.
Stan: The Klan's here. They're inbred. They sleep with their sisters.
[a deputy glares at him]
Stan: Some of them do.
Lisa: I want a wedding in church with bridesmaids and flowers.
Vinny Gambini: Whoa. How many times did you say that spontaneous is romantic?
Lisa: Hey, a burp is spontaneous. A burp is not romantic.
D.A. Jim Trotter: Ms. Vito, what is your current profession?
Lisa: I'm an out-of-work hairdresser.
D.A. Jim Trotter: An out-of-work hairdresser. In what way does that qualify you as an expert in automobiles?
Lisa: It doesn't.
Judge Chamberlain Haller: Counselor, your clients are charged with first degree murder. How do they plead?
Vinny Gambini: [sitting down] Your Honor, my clients...
Judge Chamberlain Haller: Don't talk to me sitting in that chair.
Vinny Gambini: But he
[points to bailiff]
Vinny Gambini: told me to sit here.
Judge Chamberlain Haller: When you're addressed in this court, you'll rise. Speak to me in a clear, intelligible voice.
J.T.: Hey there, little Yankee boy. Look what I got.
Vinny Gambini: What is it?
Vinny Gambini: Bring it here, let me see it.
[J.T. presents a roll of bills]
Vinny Gambini: How do I know that's not a bunch of ones with a twenty wrapped around it?
J.T.: [after short pause] It's two hundred bucks.
Vinny Gambini: Fan it out, show it to me.
[pause. J.T. stuffs the roll back in his pocket]
Vinny Gambini: Yeah, right.