Favorite Comedy Quotes
Mole. Bloody mole. We aren't supposed to talk about the bloody mole, but there's a bloody mole winking me in the face. I want to c-u-u-t it off, ch-o-o-p it off, and make guacamole.Austin Powers
Kiss my frozen tushy! Kiss it, kiss it!RamÃ³n
Dr. Evil: You know, I have one simple request. And that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads! Now evidently my cycloptic colleague informs me that that cannot be done. Ah, would you remind me what I pay you people for, honestly? Throw me a bone here! What do we have?
Number Two: Sea Bass.
Dr. Evil: [pause] Right.
Number Two: They're mutated sea bass.
Dr. Evil: Are they ill tempered?
Number Two: Absolutely.
Dr. Evil: Oh well, that's a start.
How do I know where the shit goes?Nick Vanderpark
l assume you're watching these because you're curious about sex... you know. Or filmmaking.Helen
David: I'm not staying here.
Liz: David, don't, that's suicide.
Ed: I think he should go.
Lawrence: Doesn't that chick look like Anne?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, a little bit...
Lawrence: Hey, she hasn't been over here in a while. You two still goin' out?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah. I guess... I don't know. Sometimes I get this feeling like she's cheating on me.
Lawrence: Yeah, I get that feeling too, man.
Peter Gibbons: What do you mean by that?
Lawrence: I don't know, man. I just get that feeling lookin' at her like she's the type of chick that just... buhhh.
Rick Ford: You really think you're ready for the field? I once used defibrillators on myself. I put shards of glass in my fuckin' eye. I've jumped from a high-rise building using only a raincoat as a parachute and broke both legs upon landing; I still had to pretend I was in a fucking Cirque du Soleil show! I've swallowed enough microchips and shit them back out again to make a computer. This arm has been ripped off completely and re-attached with *this* fuckin' arm.
Susan Cooper: I don't know that that's possible... I mean medically...
Rick Ford: During the threat of an assassination attempt, I appeared convincingly in front of congress as Barack Obama.
Susan Cooper: In black-face? That's not appropriate.
Rick Ford: I watched the woman I love get tossed from a plane and hit by another plane mid-air. I drove a car off a freeway on top of a train while it was on fire. Not the car, *I* was on fire.
Susan Cooper: Jesus, you're intense.
Linda: How 'bout a kiss?
Dr. Buddy Rydell: I'd love a kiss.
Dave Buznik: I think she talkin' to me. And, uh, I think I can handle it.
Matthew: I know.
Matthew: I know.
Banky Edwards: No what would you say? Would you trash 20 years of fucking friendship because you got some idiotic notion that this chick will let you sniff her panties, let alone fuck her?
Holden: Look you fucking asshole, I'm telling you let it go, okay!?
Banky Edwards: What the fuck man, what the fuck makes this bitch all that important.
Holden: Because I'm fucking in love with her man. Okay!?
Kevin: Separately we are flawed and vulnerable, but together we are the masters of our sexual destiny.
Jim: Their tiger-style kung fu is strong, but our dragon-style kung fu will defeat it!
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: The Shaolin masters of East and West must unite! Fight! And find out who is number one!
Kevin: GUYS! I'm serious!