Favorite Comedy Quotes
Lt. Dixon Piper: "Now remember MacGruber. You gotta keep him on long enough to get a location."
MacGruber: "Don't worry, I've done this before. Now, listen to me you piece of... He hung up. Did you get it?"
Vicki St. Elmo: "No."
MacGruber: "Damn it! Is that thing working?!"
Jack: This chick Stephanie, she's got it all goin' on.
Miles Raymond: Well, she is cute, yeah.
Jack: Cute? She's a fuckin' hottie. And you almost tell her that I'm gettin' married? What's the matter with you?
Elaine Dickinson: Would you like something to read?
Hanging Lady: Do you have anything light?
Elaine Dickinson: How about this leaflet, "Famous Jewish Sports Legends?"
Always remember, life is not how many breaths you take, it's how many moments take your breath away.Hitch
Oh, no, not me. Not old Carol. The night is young and I'm not hittin' the rack till I get a little action.Carol
Never give up. Never surrender.Jason Nesmith
They probably sit around on the floor with wine and cheese, and mispronounce allegorical and didacticism.Isaac Davis
Denise: Besides, I heard that song was about his dog.
Preston: It's not about a dog. It's about a woman named Amanda. Who the hell names their dog Amanda?
Denise: My cousin had a dog name Samantha.
Preston: Shut up about the dog, okay?
Claire: You know, you look a lot better without all that black shit under your eyes.
Allison Reynolds: Hey, I like all that black shit... Why are you being so nice to me?
Claire: Because you're letting me.
Sally Albright: Most women at one time or another have faked it.
Harry Burns: Well, they haven't faked it with me.
Sally Albright: How do you know?
Harry Burns: Because I know.
Sally Albright: Oh. Right. Thats right. I forgot. Youre a man.
Harry Burns: What was that supposed to mean?
Sally Albright: Nothing. Its just that all men are sure it never happened to them, and all women at one time or other have done it, so you do the math.
Wanda: I want you to know something Otto.
Wanda: Even if you were my brother I'd still want to fuck you.
Debbie Dunham: Is that tuck and roll?
Terry Fields: Yeah!
Debbie Dunham: That's bitchin' tuck and roll! You know, I really love the feel of tuck and roll upholstery.
Terry Fields: You do?
Debbie Dunham: Yeah.
Terry Fields: Yeah? Well, get in and I'll let you feel it... I mean, you know, you can touch it... uh... I'll let you feel the upholstery.
Debbie Dunham: Okay.