Favorite Comedy Quotes
I want to jump in front of every cab I see, because maybe then I'll stop thinking about her.Albert
Albert: Honestly, I never knew I could feel like this. I'm going out of my mind. I want to throw myself off every building in New York. I see a cab and I want to dive in front of it because that way I'll stop thinking about her.
Hitch: You will just give it time.
Albert: That's just it. I don't want to I've waited my whole life to feel this miserable. If this is the only way I can stay connected with her then this is who I have to be.
Hitch: [talking about when kissing going 90 per cent then he goes 10] All right show me the magic.
[going to kiss Hitch]
Hitch: [after being kissed] What the hell?
Albert: Well, you said show me the magic
Hitch: Yeah, but you go 90 then I go 10. You don't go the whole hundred, you over-eager son of a... BLECH!
I wish I were big.Young Josh
Josh: Will you please leave? I got a deadline to meet. God.
Billy: Who the fuck do you think you are?
Billy: You're Josh Baskin, remember? You broke your arm on my roof! You hid in MY basement when Robert Dyson was about to rip your head off!
Josh: You don't get it, do you? This is important!
Billy: I'm your best friend. What's more important than that, huh?
[Turns to leave]
Billy: And I'm three months older than you are, ASSHOLE!
Susan: I want to spend the night with you.
Josh: Do you mean sleep over?
Susan: Well... yeah.
Josh: Well, okay... but I get to be on top.
Mrs. Baskin: You have my son?
Josh: [Over the phone] Yes.
Mrs. Baskin: Look, if you touch one hair on his head, I swear I will spend the rest of my life making sure you suffer.
Josh: Wow, thanks.
Josh: I'm much better at video hockey.
Paul: That's not a sport.
Josh: It requires hand and eye coordination.
Paul: It's not a sport if you don't sweat.
Josh: What about golf? It's a sport and you don't sweat.
Paul: It's not a sport if you let a machine do all the work.
Josh: What about car racing?
Paul: Shut up, Baskin.
MacMillan: You can't see this on a marketing report.
Josh: Um, what's a marketing report?
Scotty Brennen: See that girl over there in the red? Say "hi" to her and she's yours. She'll have her legs around you so tight you'll be begging for mercy.
Josh: Well, I'll stay away from her, then.
[in Korean] Oy vey. Mom's ass is so tight, it's vacuum sealed.Sung Mi
Daphne Wilder: I say marriage, you say...
Transvestite: Vera Wang.